


Fellow Feeling

by emmythetaciturn



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Comfort/Angst, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Mental Instability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21813481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmythetaciturn/pseuds/emmythetaciturn
Summary: Byleth struggles with these new over whelming emotions that have consumed her, while trying to bring a delusional prince back to reality.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & My Unit | Byleth, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 47
Kudos: 151





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I heavily revised this piece, I made the chapters longer, etc. I really want to make this piece work.

For the first time in her life, Byleth felt drained.

It only felt like yesterday she was fighting alongside Lady Rhea, defending Garreg Mach Monastery from the forces of The Empire. Byleth was leading students to safety when she noticed Rhea struggling to fight against three Demonic Beasts. Those poor souls trapped inside those ravenous monsters, the Empire...no...Emperor Edelgard, was truly despicable. Byleth rushed to her side, and tried with all her might to fight them off. The events that then transpired happened so fast, she fought off the monsters, then was pushed back to the edge of the cliff, then she was falling...falling...falling...

When Byleth woke to a world in the midst of war, finding out five years have passed since the invasion of Garreg Mach.

She rushed to the fallen monastery, remembering the promise she made to her students all those years ago. How could she abandon her students for five years? She rushed up the stone steps, hoping, praying that her students were alive and well. What she found saddened her. There, in the dark of the Goddess Tower, slumping against the cold stone wall, was her former student, Dimitri. He was broken, his now long blonde hair covered his beautiful eyes, he wore only black, with a flash of blue from his cape, his shoulders weighted down by the burdens he had to carry through the years shes been gone. Byleth’s emerald eyes widened when he slowly lifted his head to her, the sun kissing his hardened face, and only one beautiful blue eye was staring back at her.

She wanted to reach out to him, hug him tight, let him know everything was going to be okay, that she was sorry for leaving him, letting him suffer all alone. Dimitri had growled at her as she stepped closer to him, refusing to take her hand that was reached out to him, claiming that she was a ghost. 

Byleth took a sharp inhale, suddenly feeling at a loss of breath as the past months memories rush through her head, as well as new thoughts invading her mind.

_Is Dimitri going to be okay?_

_Will we be able to continue to fight on?_

_Do we even have enough food rations to last us till next week?_

_Dimitri smells awful, should I force him to take a bath or should I not say anything?_

_The monastery is a mess, the morale between old friends and soldiers are at an all time low-_

“No…” Byleth whispered to herself as she breathed out a shaky breath, “Panicking isn’t going to do anything.”

It was times like these where Byleth wished her father was still with her. She didn’t even have the time to mourn for him. To Byleth, it felt like only weeks ago she lost her father, as she had been asleep for five years. The loss only added to the weight of her overbearing worries. But Byleth refused to let the tears fall, she has things to do. So she got up, pulled herself together and walked out from her dorm to the chilled outdoors.

➹➹➹

Sylvain waltzed into his former professors dorm room, finding Byleth hunched over and asleep in the crook of her arms, reminding Sylvain of a pretzel. The red head was admittedly worried for her, as she was late for breakfast today; which was unusual for her, she's never late for anything, especially for food! The professor even made it to their reunion a week ago, so something was definitely off. 

"Good morning beautiful!" He chirped loudly. "Rise and shine! It's another beautiful day." He shook her softly.

She groaned and batted his hand away, turning her head away from him. Sylvain pouted and whined, "Byleth, I know you need your beauty sleep, but it's a new day!"

Byleth mumbled some curses to him as she finally sat up and stretched. Sylvain gasped at the sight of her face. The whites of her eyes were red, and underneath her eyes were dark, purple circles.

"Did you stay up all night again?" he asked.

"Maybe." Byleth lied, her voice slurred.

Sylvain shook his head, “Byleth-”

"I was able to get these done." She said, handing him documents filled with things to do; Rapheal and Casper were to clean up the rest of the rubble, Linhardt and Mercedes had to tend to the plants that grew most of their food. Shamir, Felix, and Leonie needed to hunt- the list went on for what seemed like miles, Sylvain couldn't read anymore; It was all so much.

"I was able to get a job from some merchants last night." Byleth continued, "They need us to clear out trade routes, which will be beneficial to us to get more supplies. We leave for that job tomorrow, so I'll have to make sure everyone is ready for a fight." Byleth rested her head on her palm as she continued, "Then I have to make sure how everyone is doing after the previous battle...maybe I'll schedule something to boost there motivation once we get more food supplies-"

"Byleth, I appreciate your hard work, but what about you?" Sylvain asked.

"Hmm?" She hummed lazily, tilting her head.

"You've been working non stop since our reunion. You're going to burn yourself out."

"If I don't work, then who's going too? Dimitri can't because he's not mentally stable-"

"Seteth or Manuela can take some of the burden from your shoulders, they wouldn’t mind.”

" _Sylvain_ ," Byleth groaned. "As your professor, I need to make sure everything is taken care of."

"You’re not our professor anymore." He stated, his hand resting on her shoulder. " _E_ _veryone_ appreciates what you do. You work the hardest out of all of us, you make sure that everyone is doing okay. But you’re not doing okay."

She glared at him. "I'm doing just fine." She argued.

He chuckled, "That's pretty funny, because you're not." He suddenly grinned, his eyes flashing with mischief. "How about, you take today off to relax?"

Byleth has never taken a day off before, not even after her father's passing. His death was unbearable for everyone, it was her job to make sure everyone was doing alright...even if she wasn't. She piled work on top of herself on purpose, to keep her busy from thinking and being alone. 

"You need to keep your own moral high too," Sylvain continued. "we just finished a rough battle yesterday, things have been stressful as of late...and you're working yourself to the bone. Please, I urge you to rest. I think everyone needs that today."

Byleth sighed, extremely tempted by Sylvains words. Resting for a day could boost motivation with everyone in the monastery, and she was feeling rather tired...and by the looks of it, Sylvain looked exhausted as well.

So Byleth proceeded to grab the plans from Sylvain and slammed the papers onto her already cluttered desk and her mouth open with a request, "In my stead, please, tell everyone that the only thing they must do today is rest. I'm going to bed."

➹➹➹

After her blissful nap, she got up and spent some time at the sauna with Hilda, did some gardening with Bernadetta, and actually caught some fish with Alois. Now she was cooking that fish with Mercedes, adding herbs and vegetables and spices to the mix.

"Oh what a joy!" Mercedes exclaimed as she chopped up more veggies. "Thank you for catching these fish professor! I'm glad we're having something other than vegetables for once."

Byleth nodded with agreement, she started to really despise lettuce.

“Make sure you give Alois my thanks as well!” She giggled.

Byleth continued removing the bones from the fish. It was calming, watching how the flesh just fell right off the bone, easy to cut as if it were butter. She wondered if Dimitri would like the dish, but she immediately rejected the idea. Dimitri refused to eat anything she gave him, why would she waste precious resources on someone who wasn’t eating? After preparing the fish, Byleth requested that Mercedes would use some of the leftover beef.

After all the hard work of cooking and preparing, dinner was a success. The fish was grilled to perfection, resting ontop of the sauteed and flavorful vegetables that consisted of lettuce, peppers, tomatoes, and onions. Rapheal was extremely happy, he was grinning ear to ear as the plate was placed down in front of him. Byleth couldn’t help but smile at her former students. Ingrid and Ashe were smiling and laughing, something she hadn't seen in so long.

“The fish…” Flayn murmured, happily savoring every bite.

Hilda and Marianne were giggling among themselves as they seemed to be teasing Ignatz and Lorenz. Dorthea was mocking Ferdinand, while his jaw dropped and eyes narrowed at her mockery. Even Felix was smiling softly as Sylvain bantered him...was that a blush upon his cheeks? Byleth found her eyes wandering the cafeteria for a certain student in blue. Heart dropping when he was no where to be found.

Byleth needed to get him back, no matter what he said to her. He could threaten to kill her for all she cared, she knew the considerate students was still in there somewhere, just letting himself suffer quietly. She excused herself early, leaving to pay someone a visit.

Byleth shivered from the cold wind as she crossed the bridge. The stars were out, shimmering and shining in the night sky, but the moon being the one that outshines them all as it’s beautiful light cascaded down onto the cathedral before her. She slowly opened the large door to the building, peeking inside to see if Dimitri was there. Yes, of course he was there, standing before the rubble, why did she need to check? All Byleth could see was his blue, fur cloak. She slowly approached him, her heels clicking against the floor.

“I promise I will bring you her head.” Dimitri growled out. Byleth stopped in her tracks and looked around. Who was he- Oh…

“No! I haven’t forgotten my promises! I assure you, I will take that head from her shoulders, and bring it to you...to all of you-”

“Who are you talking too?” Byleth asked.

Dimitri froze, but not for long as he replied with venom in his voice, “ _What do you want?!_ ”

She didn’t even flinch, not even a little. “I came to check on you.” She said; her response seemingly relaxing Dimitri.

“I see.” He muttered.

Byleth stepped beside him, so he could look at her with his good eye. The reminder of his missing eye made Byleth want to cry out. She did that to him, she left him behind five years ago, left him to be tortured, scared...frightened. That wasn’t to say he was ugly now, he was still beautiful in Byleth’s eyes, but knowing that someone took that beauty away from him made her write in disgust at herself.

“I brought you something to eat.” She said as she held up a small plate of dried meat that Mercedes had prepared, some bread, and a glass of water.

He scoffed, “You wasted your time. I’m not hungry.”

Byleth narrowed her eyes, “Please eat, Dimitri.” She begged. “You haven’t eaten in so long…”

Dimitri glared at her from the corner of his eye, “If I eat, will that make you leave?”

“Yes.” She confirmed. He grunted in reply.

He ripped the plate from her hands and scarfed down the food, proving to her that he was in fact hungry. He ate like an animal, stuffing his mouth, not even swallowing as he took more bites. While Dimitri ate, Byleth scrunched up her face as she recalled how horrible he smelled. The stench consisted of body odor and blood and sweat. When was the last time he bathed? Has he even taken off his armor in the last five years? He must have, since he needed to do his business.

He sipped the water, gulping it down with no breath in between, then shoved the dishware into her hands, staring at her expectantly, waiting for her to leave.

"Dimitri...would you...maybe consider taking a bath?" Byleth admitted meekly. 

"No." 

"Please? It would help you think more clearly?" 

"I'm thinking just fine thanks." 

Byleth pursed her lips, and relunctinly left the cathedral. 

➹➹➹

Byleth sipped her tea as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. She hate to admit it, but Sylvain was right, she really needed yesterday to rest up. The relaxed day made her feel content, refreshed, alive, and she could do anything she puts her mind too. She smiled softly when she remembered the laughs and smiles of her students from last night, relief washing over her as she she started to slide on her battle gear. Byleth wondered what kinds of foods she will be able to whip up when she receives more supplies, she drooled at the thought. Maybe some steak? Or ice cream? Maybe she will make cheesy verona stew, maybe that will bring Dimitri back to his senses, it _was_ his favorite dish.

She walked with a skip to her step towards the shopping district, planning to meet with her class to set out on their journey. People around her bustled about, talking, bantering, laughing about different stories and legends, the atmosphere completely different from yesterdays gloom. The sun was even out, smiling brightly at everyone with its radiance, maybe even dancing across the blue sky. Byleth’s smile just grew wider when her favorite Gatekeeper greeted her by the entrance to the Monastery. “Safe travels Professor!” He called to her. She smiled and wished him a good day as she descended down the stairs to the front gates. He always brought a smile to her face, no matter what mood she’s in, his chipper personality was refreshing, comforting to her. Byleth noted that she should treat him to dinner some day as a thanks for just...existing.

She froze at the end of the steps when she found Dimitri walking towards her, with some battalions, and Felix, Ingrid and Sylvain following behind. Byleth ran to them, asking what happened as she cupped each of there faces to check for wounds.

“We’re fine Professor.” Ingird chuckled, prying Byelths hands off her face, “We just went out to clear those routes for the merchants.”

“ _All by yourselves_?” Byleth sputtered.

“Yes.” Felix said bluntly, which only made Byleth worry even more.

“What if you died?! I wasn’t there, you should’ve waited for me!”

“Like I said Byleth, you’re not our Professor anymore, we can handle ourselves just fine.” Sylvain laughed. “Plus we had Dimitri, which I may add that it was _his_ idea to route the beasts and imperial soldiers.”

Byleth looked to Dimitri with wide eyes, searching his features. He only stared ahead, glaring at something she couldn't see, but then he jumped when a hand pressed gently on his shoulder, his eye darting to look at her.

“Thank you.” She whispered, then raised her voice again, “Regardless you should have told me before you left! I don’t know if I will be able to live with myself if any of you died!”

If they died and if she wasn't there, she wouldn’t be able to use her divine pulse to save them- they would have _died_. The images of her students dead brings bile to her mouth, she can't fail them again. 

"There goes the Boar." Felix grumbled, shaking Byleth out of her thoughts.

When Byleth turned her head, she found Dimitri marching back to the cathedral, not even saying goodbye.

"Felix stop that!" Ingrid scolded. "He just helped the professor!"

"Did you not _see_ how he killed those soldiers? Ripping off their heads and stabbing them over and over again even when there already _dead_. Literally _crushing their skulls_.”

Sylvain looked to Byleth, then to Felix, then back to Byleth. "Eesh." He hissed with uneasiness in his voice. 

“He needs to be caged. He’s nothing but a wild animal quenching his thirst for blood.” Felix insisted. 

Byleth was at a loss for words, what happened these past five years that made Dimitri so bloodthirsty? She knew of the ghosts that haunt him from The Tragedy of Duscar, how they speak to him at night, eating away at his sanity. He told her of those voices five years ago, the voices of his father, stepmother, his royal knight Glenn, screaming at him to avenge them. Back then however, Dimitri _never_ spoke to this voices. He always went to the training grounds to hack a wooden dummy to pieces. Byleth would usually find him there, invite him over for tea, and talk about what’s bothering him. Now however, he spoke to the delusions, as if there were _real_.

She understood some of the things Dimitri was going through. Before becoming a professor, Byleth was a mercenary traveling all over Fodlan, and being a mercenary meant you had to kill. Byleth didn’t like killing, but what else was she to do? If the enemy couldn’t see reason, then they die. Simple. Taking lives was never easy for her, bandits, thieves, they all were fighting to survive. During those years of traveling, a storm was brewing inside of her, no emotions poured out of her...they were trapped. People called her the Ashen Demon, because she killed with no remorse, not even flicker of emotion came upon her face. She never had anyone to lean on with these worries, except her father, but even then she would be reluctant to speak to him; Byleth’s father seemed to have enough on his plate.

Byleth needed to do something, before the delusional prince succumbs to his death. She failed him, she knows it, everyone assures her it’s not, but there lying. If she were still around during those five years, he wouldn’t have lost his eye, his innocence, his sanity-

A yelp snapped her out her thoughts, her instincts already kicking in as she ran towards the yelling and growing crowd in the entrance hall. "Get back!" Ingrid shouted at the cooks and bishops; urging them away for Byleth.

She pushed through them and found Dimitri hunched over on his knees. She quickly knelt down next to him, holding him tight.

"Get off me." He rasped, glaring at her through his hair in which she ignored as she checked him over.

He hissed curses when she pressed his side, blood smearing her hand as she pulled away.

➹➹➹

Dimitri was impaled in the side with a sword; In his adrenaline rush he hardly noticed the stings that came from the wound. It was only now that it started to scream in pain...in front of everyone in the monastery- In front of his professor. Fantastic. "Just a scratch" he growled roughly to Byleth. But of course, she would have none of it, urging him against his will to be treated.

Now, he is sitting in the infirmary with his armor off, leaving him almost naked to the healers that surrounded him. He kept his face contorted with a scowl as the healers...healed him. Dimitri kept repeating over and over it was a waste of time to be healing a monster such as himself. Mercedes only smiled sadly at him, healing his wounds with ease. When they were done, the healers rushed out, not wanting to hear the princes curses and complaints any longer. Only Mercedes left with a farewell, and an order to Byleth to stay while she brought dinner. Dimitri wanted to flop down and sleep, the healing magic drank up all his stamina for the day. But Byleth was still there, he couldn't admit defeat in front of her. 

"Why didn't you tell anyone you were injured?" Byleth snapped. "It could've gotten infected! You could've died!"

Dimitri scoffed, "You shouldn't concern yourself with me."

"I can't help but be concerned about you." She grunted, earning herself a scowl.

They sat in silence for a while, every now and then Dimitri would look at Byleth out of the corner of his eye, glaring daggers at her. Why was she wasting her time? He needs to push her away, keep something as pure as her away from him, a feral beast. Why couldn’t she take the damn hint? His dear professor was always like this, not long after her father passed she was helping everyone around the Monastery, as if nothing happened. Of course Dimitri said nothing about it at the time, he was just overjoyed that she was okay- although, he would catch glimpses of sadness in those violet eyes. 

She sighed, "Dimitri...would you please tell me what's happened these past five years? I would like to help you."

"If you wanted to help me you wouldn't have left." He grumbled.

"I didn't want to leave. I'm sorry for being too reckless that day...if I could go back and be there for you. I would. I wouldn't have let anything happen to you. You know that don't you?"

He started to laugh, "You think by saying sorry, everything is just going to fix itself?"

"No that's not-"

" _You weren't there_...you didn't go through what I did. While you were taking a nice long _nap_ , I was being accused of murder, tortured, watching people get slaughtered left and right by my hand. I lost my closest friend, Dedue, being yet another soul giving up their life for someone like me."

Byleth wanted to hug him. Tell him how sorry she was, wishing her divine pulse could go back to that day. Wishing she was there for Dimitri, when he needed her. She missed his smile, his wonderful cheeky smile. She remembered when Dimitri caught his first fish while flashing her a toothy grin...it was a very small fish, but he was happy regardless. Or when Dimitri sniggered as Byleth spilled sauce all over her apron when they were cooking. Or when Dimitri would tell her those horrible puns with a grin on his face and then burst out with a loud laugh at them. She smiled, not because of the jokes, but because of his laugh.

"I'm sorry..."

"Apologies won't bring the dead back."

"I know I wasn't there when you needed me." Byleth muttered. "But that doesn't change the fact that I wish to go back and help you and- and prevent those awful things from happening to you."

Dimitri said nothing, only letting the scowl on his face do the talking. 

Byleth let a few tears fall, her voice croaking as she spoke, "I'm sorry, Dimitri."

He looked at her slightly startled, his eye widened. He's only ever seen her cry once, when her father passed. For her to cry for him was...awful. After all of the atrocities he's done, all of the vicious things he's said to her, she still cried for him? Dimitri didn't know if he should feel disgusted, angry, or sad, he was not sure. 

"Don't waste your tears on me." He ordered; he needed to keep pushing her away, for her sake.

But then she leaned over and embraced him. Dimitri's whole body froze at the unexpected contact. Her touch is so gentle, so warm… It almost brought him to tears. This was most tenderest of touches he has had in….years. She felt so warm against him, her skin soft against his. The delusional prince wanted to weep, he wanted to embrace her back, take her into his arms and hold her. Say he was sorry, sorry for all the things he said to her, sorry for all the times he worried her, then he would-

_You don't deserve her pity!_

_You think you are allowed comfort?!_

_She is repulsed by you!_

No, he can't...he won't do that to her. 

He roughly pushed her away, her worried stare boring into him. "Don't look at me like that." He spat. "Don't touch me.

"Dimitri-"

"Leave!" He roared. "I can't stand to look at you!" 

Byleth stood there, she should leave, but her legs wouldn't let her- they were glued to the ground.

"What must I do for you to leave me alone?" He whispered, his voice cracking slightly.

"Nothing you do will make me leave you. I'm never leaving you again, Dimitri."

Dimitri clenched his jaw and closed his eye, eyebrows narrowing. 

"But I'll let you rest...I'm sorry for bothering you." Byleth mumbled, reluctantly getting up to leave.

As soon as she quietly shut the door with a soft click, the prince let himself sob silently as the voices taunted and screamed at him.

_You don’t deserve someone so pure._

_She’s distracting you from the goal!_

_Weak._

_Pathetic, you’re pathetic!_

_Avenge us already!_

_You should’ve been the one to die, not me._

“Please _stop_ …” Dimitri sobbed, pulling his hair.

He hated this, he hated it so much. He wanted the voices to leave him alone, he wants his mind to be quiet, he wants to be free of the burdens. He even resorted to doing what they have asked him to do, anything to get them to stop the reign of terror on his sanity.

➹➹➹

Byleth still checked up on the Delusional King everyday, but it wasn't five million times a day like usual. Byleth didn’t want to overwhelm him, but it pained her when every evening Dimitri would stand in the same spot in front of the rubble, where he stood in only hours before. That’s when she would fret over him if he ate or slept or bathed, she never got a response out of him. He grunted at her once when she handed him a sweet roll, so that was a start...she thinks. 

Today, she took a nice relaxing stroll, trying to clear her head from the worries flying around her mind, trying to enjoy the smell of the grass and trees, the beautiful sunset shimmering over the grounds of Garreg Mach. Her hands still shook from today's battle, as Dimitri yet again almost got himself killed- maybe he is trying to get himself killed?

She inhaled the scent of lavender that danced with the gentle breeze...and the scent of blood? The songs from the birds stopped abruptly, replaced with a shriek of terror. Rushing towards the screams, she came upon Dimitri, taunting a poor soldier against a stone wall, nestled behind some bushes and trees. If he hasn’t screamed, Byleth would have never noticed the both of them.

“-Perhaps I should take out your eyes?” Dimitri mused, smiling wide as the soldier stared up at him in fear. “You would only be able to _imagine_ what your loved ones endure as they _scream_ and _beg_ for mercy.”

“Please stop!” The solider cried, his cheeks wet from his gallons of tears.

“I will kill them all...one by one-”

His fun ended when Byleth killed the soldier, mumbling his last words before he passed. Dimitri simply stared at the now rotting body before him, the soldiers face contorted with pure shock.

“ _What is the meaning of this?!_ ” He roared at her.

“I couldn’t watch anymore…” Byleth said.

Dimitri let out a loud, cold laugh, “A grievous error Professor! If you don’t like for who I am now, then kill me!” He towered over her, using his height to assert his power. “If not, I will continue to use you _and_ your friends until the _flesh falls from your bones!_ ”

Byleth let her rage take over, she grabbed his cloak pulling him down to meet her enraged eyes. “You need to _fucking_ wake up, Dimitri!” She shrieked, “I’m being patient with you. But this-” She gestured to the tortured body at his feet, “Is going too far! You’re better than this, I know you are!”

Byleth gripped his cloak tighter, practically spitting in his face “I will not stand by and watch you torture soldiers with a pleasured smirk on your face, just because those delusions are telling you to! You have _no right_ , King or not, I will not stand for this!”

All Dimitri could do was laugh maniacally. Byleth’s face contorted with disgust and released him quickly, as if he burned her. “You have yet to realize the beast I have become, Professor.” He grabbed her wrists tightly, “Should I show you the monster I have become?” A sadistic grin reached his face, but not his eye.

“You already have.” She replied simply, she knew he wasn’t going to do anything. He was just trying to scare her away, but she wasn’t scared. She was...worried about him. Worried that he has finally lost it, and there was no way he could return- No, he’s still there, she can see it. She can _feel_ it. If her heart had a beat, it would be racing, urging to break out of her chest as these intrusive thoughts entered her mind, and she snapped. 

_What if I’m wrong? What if I fail? What if I’m not able to save Dimitri and he is sent to his death? What if he does hurt me?_

_What is this?_

Her breathing quickened, her lungs suddenly feeling smaller and more constricting. Her mind raced with different worries, the thoughts grew, and grew, making her head spiral out of control; As if she were a snowball rolling down a hill, gradually getting bigger. _Was this insanity?_ She thought to herself, _Have I finally lost it? I have haven’t I?_

She felt as if she were on the battlefield, where an enemy would almost cut down one of her students. Byleth would quickly turn back the hands of time, and viciously killed the enemy that was about to harm her loved ones, worrying about their fate being the same as her father, worrying about seeing their deaths for the final time. She can’t, she won’t, will _never_ let any of them die. 

Tremors shook her body, bile boiling in her throat, her mind hazy. She didn't want to be here. She wanted to go home. But where was home? Home was five feet underground in the church cemetery. She wants her Papa, she wants to be held by him and be reassured that everything's okay. 

“I’m talking to you!” Dimitri shouted in her face, eye widening when he noticed the tears streaming down her cheeks. “Why are you crying?”

He sounds disgusted, “I don’t know...I can’t breath.” Byleth whimpered as shame crawled up her spine.

She sucked in more air, but it didn’t feel like enough, her lungs were like concrete. She felt embarrassed, she didn’t want Dimitri to see this side of her, she didn’t want his stupid condescending yelling and screams right now. 

“Stop crying.” He growled.

Byleth’s breathing became more shallow, more tears spilling, her sobs becoming choked, worsening her breaths. More thoughts of her loved ones dying, more thoughts of failing everyone yet again-

“Stop!” Dimitri ordered. He didn’t enjoy seeing her like this; She should never have the look of pure hopelessness on that perfect face, it should be outlawed, banned. He should be banished for causing such a sin.

Dimitri let out a loud sigh, roughly pulled her towards the closest person he could find. He marched her down the stone path, reaching the entrance of the Monastery.

Luckily, Mercedes was there sitting on top of the entrance steps reading a book. The gatekeeper’s jaw dropped as Dimitri’s shadow loomed over her as he marched closer, making her look up.

“Take her to the infirmary.” Dimitri ordered, pulling Byleth forward.

“Oh!” Mercedes dropped her book and took Byleth into her arms, rubbing her back soothingly.

“What happened?” She asked Dimitri.

“Just look at her.” Dimitri replied with disgust. 

Gatekeeper glared at him, wondering what transpired to make the professor so upset.

Byleth was holding her hands close to her non beating heart, shaking and trying to take full deep breaths. “It’ll be okay Professor. Come on, let’s go get you some lavender tea.” Mercedes soothed, her voice soft, full of light and flowers and anything else that was pleasant in this world.

Byleth started to feel a little better.


	2. Chapter 2

“It’s okay honey, I get panic attacks all the time!” Manuela stated, pouring Byleth a fresh cup of lavender tea.

Mercedes brought Byleth to the infirmary, the room seemingly gloomy due to the sun setting behind the partly cloudy sky. The empty beds against the wall looked comfortable at least, even though Manuela was sleeping on one of them when Mercedes and Byleth let themselves in. Mercedes requested her to make a tea that required weeds instead of herbs. Byleth wondered why they needed weeds for tea, but as soon as she took a single sip, she immediately started to feel a better. Manuela used only a very tiny bit of this weed, so the beverage only tasted like water. When she finished that tea Manuela gave her another that tasted like lavender, the scent and smoothness relaxing her muscles instantly. 

Mercedes rubbed Byleth’s back, “I used to help my baby brother Emile all the time through those. They are never easy.” She soothed.

Manuela nodded in agreement. “It’s common to experience panic attacks during hard times. Especially during a war!”

Byleth sipped her tea, her tears now dry and eyes tired. “I don’t like them.” She muttered.

“No one does.” Manuela stated, handing her more tea herbs. “I advise you to relax-” She held up her hand when Byleth tried to protest, “If you work yourself too hard you’re going to go crazy! We don’t need two lost souls during a time of war now do we?”

Byleth shook her head solemnly. The healer was about to speak some more when a hard knock came from the door interrupted her. Mercedes answered, surprising everyone when the Delusional Prince stood before them. “Dimitri! What a surprise!” Mercedes exclaimed, her hands clasped together in glee. 

“Need something?” Manuela asked.

He ignored the two healers and looked to Byleth, “Are you doing okay?” He said roughly.

Byleth blinked at him in surprise. " _Well?_ " He growled, crossing his arms.

She nodded quickly, just wanting him to leave. He grunted a “Good.” Then left.

“Did that just happen?” Manuela muttered.

_➹➹➹_

Byleth has a hard time adjusting to these new feelings. Sometimes the attacks would come out of nowhere, scaring Byleth to tears. Breathing felt like a chore during those panic episodes, and every time she felt she was going to die- She never did, and the attacks would always subside' but they always returned. She barely ate that much, her stomach twisting in knots all day every day, making it hard to eat. She used to be able to eat several meals in one sitting, now she could barely hold down chicken broth. These thoughts ran through her head non stop even if she was keeping herself busy, those worries were always there in the back of her mind. When Dorthea took her out for a drink, Byleth put on her mask, faking laughter and smiles. She drank more than she should have that night, but that seemed to make everything a million times worse. 

One night she couldn’t take anymore, so she huddled in the corner of her room, curled into a ball on her bed, hiding underneath a blanket. Her trembling fingers rubbed her arms in an attempt to comfort herself, shaky breaths ebbing and flowing, tears staining her cheeks. Why was she having these now? Never once did she experience anything such as this. Only when times were necessary, such as fighting enemies during her mercenary days or fighting for her students- not when she was in the middle of a meeting with the war council. She really wished her father was here, or Sothis, anyone who felt like home to help her with this horrible nightmare. 

Byleth took long...deep...breaths, just as instructed by Manuela. The tears kept flowing anyways. She was scared. _Will this ever end?_

"Hey Teach!" Sylvain called behind her door, "You're missing dinner again! Why don't ya come out?"

Byleth tried to shrink back into her corner. She hasn't told a single soul what was going on with her. She felt embarrassed, she was supposed to be strong for her friends, show them that there is nothing to be afraid of during war. She wouldn't let Sylvain see her like this, or anyone for that matter. These emotions were a burden, annoying, _weak_. Maybe if she stayed silent, he will go away like he has done before?

Nope, of course _tonight_ he just saunters in after peeking his head through the door. Byleth clenched her blanket around herself, the thoughts becoming more vivid and violent- Watching Dimitri fall in front of her, over and over and over. "Hey, what's wrong?" Sylvain wondered, his steps grew louder.

Her bed creaked underneath his weight, his hand gently pulled the blanket back over her head. Byleth averted her gaze to the floorboards, her face flushed red from embarrassment. He cupped her face and made her look at him. His amber eyes softening as he watched the tears roll down her face.

“Byleth?”

Then she let the damn’s burst, explaining to him what she was feeling and how weak and terrified she was. He listened intently, nodding at her explanations and wiping tears away with his thumbs. She felt absolutely pathetic, she shouldn't be putting such burdens and worries on her friend. They all have enough to worry about, why should she just add more to their plate?

"Panic attacks are awful." Sylvain agreed. "You’re going through a lot right now, Byleth, and this is how your body is coping with it. When things just pile up and up, all that stuff just comes crashing down."

"But sometimes I'm doing fine and they just...come out of nowhere. I hate this Sylvain, I hate this so much."

"I hate them too. But you’re strong Byleth, you need to push through it. Its seems ridiculous, impossible even, but it'll pass. Things get worse before they get better."

"I’m sorry." She sobbed, "I feel pathetic. I don’t mean to put this burden on you."

His eyebrows frowned, his gaze on her darkening. "You are not pathetic for being human." He pulled her up on her feet, handing her a handkerchief that was sitting on her desk. "Come on. Let's go get something to eat, being with friends wash the worries away."

Byleth nodded slowly, wiping away the rest of her tears with the cloth. “Thank you Sylvain.” She mumbled.

"Please. Least I can do. Maybe you'll let me take you to dinner? Just the two of us?" He mused, giving her a wink.

"But aren't we going to eat right now? Just the two of us?"

"Nooooo. Never mind!"

_➹➹➹_

In the weeks that followed, Byleth slowly started to get control of these feelings. When she had a sudden attack during a meeting, Seteth covered for her as she tried to relax in another room. Sylvain took her to the sauna every now and then when he noticed she pushed herself too hard. Felix made her come out of her room during her panic attacks to spar. Mercedes taught her how to sew to keep her hands busy. Soon she was starting to feel better- She was able to run into fights with a spring in her step, gather more supplies and return lost items to her students and invite them for tea.

But it all came rushing back when she went back to visit Dimitri. Every time, every _damn time_ , she walks into that cathedral and hears him speak to ghosts she can’t see, it _breaks her heart_. It hurt her the most when she would walk in on him sobbing and pleading to those delusions to stop bothering him. She’s even seen him look at his lance that sat next to him from time to time, only for him to cry out in rage, throwing the spear across the holy room. If she hadn’t left him, _abandoned_ him, he wouldn’t have been like this. He would be smiling, laughing, drowning in gifts from her.

Byleth sobbed silently in the library as she grabbed every book she can off the shelf, anything to help her understand what Dimitri was going through, anything she could do to help. She eventually found a medical book, skimming through she found something that she had heard of before throughout her life.

“Hallucinations.” She muttered, narrowing her eyes. She’s heard of it from her father. After a harsh battle against bandits or thieves, some of the mercenaries were comforted by her father. Those mercenaries would cry, hold their heads and whisper things, but then they would be fine the next day or two. Some didn’t get better and would have to disband. Her father explained to Byleth that those soldiers see and hear things that aren't there, those things that they see destroy their psych. And that’s it. Nothing else, so she never brought it up again.

Seeing things that weren't there sounded much like what Dimitri had, so she flipped to the page and began reading.

_Affects the brain on how it perceives things. Patients might see, hear, taste, believe things that aren’t real. Can be caused by trauma in childhood and start to show itself in young adult-hood. Treatment is unknown._

Byleth’s eyes widened. She was no doctor, but this seemed to describe what Dimitri was going through. It all clicked into place for Byleth, Dimitri experienced tragedy after tragedy, of course his mind would conjure up things out of guilt.

She cried, as she flipped through the pages to find answers to her problem, anything to ease the pain for Dimitri. No such luck came to her, she couldn’t find a single thing. Out of frustration she threw the book across the room and let out a curse. Could nothing be done?

Then she remembered her friends, how they made sure she didn’t suffer alone in her dorm. How they would be patient and help her through her panic attacks. A plan began to form as the wheels turned in her head, but could it really work?

_➹➹➹_

Dimitri marched away from the main building, back to the cathedral, trying to run away from the ghosts that haunt him as his guilt choked him harder that night.

He shouldn't have scared his professor like that, but he knew it was necessary. He hasn’t seen her in weeks. Only at strategy meetings he would see her, but she would leave during the middle of it and sometimes never return. Part of him was glad, she finally realized that she cannot tame this beast. She shouldn't be anywhere near him, he’s going to hurt her one day when the beast finally takes control of him, and she’s going to regret it. It hurts like hell now, but when the day comes when she realizes he is broken, it will be worth it.

But another part of him wanted her back, missed her pestering and presence. He wanted to see her beautiful pure smile, her beautiful eyes, hear her voice and laugh.

In fact no one really talked to him. Mercedes would come in and pray next to him, and offer a smile. Sylvain would try to convince him to get a drink and pick up a girl while there at it. Ashe offered him books to read while Annette brought in sweets. 

Dimitri pushed all of them away, snarling and threatening them. They shouldn't waste there time with someone like him, and neither should he. His former friends are only soldiers and nothing more, playing cards to sacrifice to get closer to that wench.

The azure moon loomed over the monastery, it’s light peeking through the clouds. It was a beautiful sight, Dimitri even gazed longingly over the bridge towards the cathedral. He couldn’t help but imagine Byleth standing beside him. They both won’t say a word, they would just enjoy the view, Byleth would be looking towards the sky, Dimitri would be staring at her.

His little school boy fantasies were short lived, as someone from behind shoved him forward, slamming his head against the brick ledge with a sword to his throat. "What did you do to her?!"

Felix. "Nothing." Dimitri rasped, his breath knocked out of him.

"Nothing my ass! You’ve been nothing but cruel to her when she wastes her time fretting over your sorry ass! _Why else would she be crying alone in the library?"_ Felix barked. "I should butcher you like the boar you are.”

Dimitri didn't say anything. "You think you can walk all _high and mighty_? Having no worries for the consequences of your actions? Because you’re the _king?_ _You’re fucking disgusting._ " Felix continued with venom dripping from his words. "If you so much lay a _finger_ on her I will not hesitate to _kill_ you. This is your last warning.”

When Felix walked away, Dimitri hurried to the cathedral. The ghosts surrounded him, screaming and laughing as they chased him to his only solace in this damn life. When he assured himself that he was all alone, he fell to his knees. Glenn leaned down and whispered in his ear, _She is an obstacle in your way, you need to cut her down._

His Stepmother stepped in front of him, her heels clicking along with her tongue. _No if he kills her, then he will fail! He needs to finish what he started! Just put her back in place Dimitri. Slap her around, that will do the trick._

Finally, his father spoke, _You're useless to me if you're getting distracted by some wench._

"Enough!" Dimitri shrieked. "Just leave me alone! I've done all that you asked me! How long are you all going to torment me? What can I do to make your pleas grow silent?! Please just tell me what to do!"

 _You know_ exactly _what to do._ His father screamed. _Give us her head._

Then they laughed and taunted him,

 _Are you crying?_

_You’re pathetic! Why did I die for you? Why didn't you die?!_

_Weak!_

_I am ashamed to call you my son._

_You want to be rid of us? Bring us the bitches head!_

He looked over at his lance, tempted to end it all right there. The pleas of the dead would finally cease if he died, his mind would be quiet for the first time in nine years. He would be free of the burden he carries on his shoulders. His hand trembled for the lance- It will all be over soon-

"Dimitri?"

He froze at his professors soothing voice. "Are you okay?" She asked him. Her heels clicked against the marble floor, eventually reaching him and knelt down beside him, right in between him and his lance. "I brought you something to eat." She whispered.

He expected her to hand him more dry beef, but instead, there was a large bowl of Cheesy Verona Stew ...his favorite dish. "I know you probably won’t eat it. But I wanted to bring it anyway. You looked so lonely…" She reached a hand towards his face, gently turning his head to smile at him.

His heart just almost stopped beating. The cathedral windows let the moons light shine through, kissing wonderful shades of blue upon her face. Her smile so soft and wonderful and amazing. Looking down at her frame made him realize how small she was. He craved to pick her up and kiss her senseless and feel her warm hands on his body. Only for those thoughts to replaced by accidentally strangling her with his unforgivable strength, mistaking her for an enemy and stabbing her-

He focused on his stew, giving Byleth a grunt as a thank you and started to eat. Dimitri could not taste a thing, he hasn’t been able to taste since The Tragedy of Duscar. He could only feel the texture of the melting cheese, the warm soothing broth and beef, how it warmed his cold body. The warm smell of the broth reached his nose, bringing him comfort and kind memories of eating with the professor.

 _“What’s your favorite meal Dimitri?”_ She had asked.

_“O-Oh! Well...I am not too attached to food really...but I do enjoy the Cheesy Verona Stew.”_

She waited for him to finish, humming softly and telling him old mercenary stories as he ate. When he finished, he caught her fumbling her fingers with the end of his cape. She quickly let go, mumbling an apology as she accepted the dishware only to put it aside. Byleth scooted closer to him. “I know you’re going through a lot...and you’re trying to push me- others away. But I’ll still be here for you.” Byleth promised.

“Why do you continue to pester me?”

Byleth rested her head on her palm, looking up at the ceiling, lost in thought. “The worse thing for you right now is to be alone.” She said eventually.

She gave him a knowing look, making his eyes widen. He realized that she saw him, saw him reach for the lance- That’s why she sat between him and his key to freedom. Dimitri scoffed, darting his eye to look away, “Like _you_ know what’s best!”

“Well, it was one of the many reasons why I was appointed _pro_ fessor.”

He looked to her in utter horror, was she trying to make him laugh with those stupid jokes? No, Dimitri _won’t laugh_ , that Dimitri is dead-

“Hey Dimitri.” Byleth said, startling him.

“ _What._ ” He hissed.

“Why do you think our units were so sleepy last week?” He opened his mouth to answer, but she didn’t give him the chance. “Because we had too many sleepless _knights._ ”

Dimitri snorted, but quickly turned his head away so she wouldn’t see a crack of a smile. He could hear her shuffle around closer to him, “It doesn’t help that you’re _lion_ around either.” She teased.

Dimitri lost it, laughing so hard he fell onto his back, he curled into a ball. He laughed with so much life, something he hasn’t done in years, his ribs hurt from the sudden spasms of laughter, not used to this feeling of warmth and love coursing through him.

“You’re laughing at these jokes? How _cheesy_.” She chided with a giggle.

He howled all over again, tears brimming in his eyes. Those jokes were awful, so awful that there funny. It felt good to laugh, he could feel warmth spreading through his chest. When he calmed down, his face flushed red from breathing so hard, he wanted to be angry, but damn that felt good. He froze when his professors warm hand gently caressed his face, his eye darted to her. She traced her thumb against his jaw, gently wiping away the tears from his face. Her smile widened ear to ear, “Your smile is downright mesmerizing.” She whispered, staring at his lips.

He snapped, he shakily took her face into his hands and kissed her. She gasped against his mouth, her hands landing on his chest. The kiss was gentle and soft, like her lips. He gently traced his fingers to the back of her head, oh how he wished he took his gauntlets off so he could feel her soft hair between his fingers. He tilted his head and gently pressed her lips, moving them in sync with hers. _Oh_ that scared him, she was kissing back, why was she kissing back? After how he has treated her? He wanted to push her away and yell at her, but he could not find the will to do so. Dimitri deepened the kiss further, enjoying the feeling of her soft lips upon his. He pulled away eventually, her lips chasing his. Her eyes, usually so devoid of any emotion, were sparkling with a feeling he couldn't put his finger on. Gods be damned, she was breathless, he did that. He made her lose sense with the world around them. Desire bubbled up within him, desire to be with her, to hold her close and kiss her face and see her smile.

"Dimitri…" Byleth whispered, brushing some blonde hair away from his face.

He shivered at her touch. "Are you doing okay?" She asked him, cupping his face.

He nodded, leaning into her touch, sighing as his body relaxed. Byleth giggled, making him want to kiss her all over again. "Come on, let's go to bed okay?" She said, holding his hand and pulling him up.

At the mention of bed, his eyelids suddenly felt very heavy. He didn't even remember the walk back to his room, didn't remember her stripping him of his armor, not even remembering her tucking him into bed with a kiss on the forehead and a nuzzle to the nose. He does remember reaching up to cup her face, her skin silky smooth against his rough, scarred hand. He remembers gently pulling her down to press a chaste kiss to her lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited some things. I appreciate you guys being patient with me! I want to make this story as best it could be! 
> 
> Thank you Ryelle, HappyBirdii, and Eldritchgremlin for helping me out!! Definitely check out there works as well!


	3. Chapter 3

_“She's here somewhere!_ _We can’t give up now!”_

_"Dimitri, she is not here! We’ve searched for days!”_

_“_ _G_ _ive it up boar, she’s gone.”_

_Dimitri threw the rock he was carrying down to the ground, letting it shatter into pebbles at his feet. The Blue Lions house has been searching for their lost professor for weeks now, and each day Dimitri loses more of his sanity. “I swear I am going to make that women beg for death as I tear her apart limb from limb. To make her feel what I have endured for all of these years!” Dimitri cackled._

_The land around him shifted, with his hands around Edelgard's neck, strangling the life out of her. “You fucking bitch! You took everything that I have loved away from me!”_

_“Dimitri…”_

_He blinked, his hands now wrapped around his professors neck, Byleth’s neck. She smiled at him as she gasped for air, reaching up to cup his face with her gentle hand-_

Dimitri shot up with a gasp, holding his hands close to his rapidly beating heart. His eye darted around the room frantically, until they rested on Byleths back. She was safe and sound, hunched over his desk, her back rising and falling as soft snores escaped her mouth. The morning sun peeked into his window, making her pale skin glow wonderfully. He sighed with relief only to stiffen again when he noticed her back was...bare. She bore no armor, only a skin tight black shirt that cut off over her hips, her black shorts and flower tights. He’s never seen that much of her arms before, they looked so welcoming and soft. His eyes lingered to the skin showing itself on her lower back, but quickly looked away in shame. He needed to get her out of here, so they both don’t lose their pride to Sylvain. “Byleth?” He muttered.

She snorted and sat up, her eyes still closed and her hair shooting out in different directions- much like a birds nest. “Hah?” She slurred, eyebrows narrowing.

“Did you stay up all night?”

“Nah.” They way her breaths shortened as she started falling asleep again said otherwise.

He groaned and got out of bed, picking her up and setting her down on his sheets. Noticing he was barely wearing any clothes, only in his underwear. How improper of him, he was about to dress, but a tug on his wrist stopped him. “Are you okay?” Byleth whimpered, her cheeks looked very red, and her eyes seemed tired, even though they were closed.

He kneeled down beside her and pressed his lips to her forehead. She was burning. “I think you have a fever.” He muttered.

“No.” She said.

“Come on, let’s go to Manuela-”

“Nah.” Dimitri let out an exhausted sigh, “Byleth, so help me I _will_ get the ice water.”

“Carry meeeeeee.”

“Oh for- Fine!” Dimitri found a loose white shirt, some high waisted pants, and some riding boots, he threw those on, then scooped up Byleth into his arms and marched his way to the infirmary.

The events happening this morning were so much better in contrast to his nightmare. His beloved professor in his arms was something he dreamed about when he was her student. He remembers carrying her back to the monastery after her revelation. She looked so calm, her cheeks rosey and a slight curve of her lips. It was almost as if he were sent back in time to that moment, where he walked to the infirmary to lay her to rest. He handed her to Manuela, who was giving him a curious look by casting her eyes down at Byleth.

“She has a fever.” He said roughly, setting Byleth down on the infirmary bed. “I am not sure if it has to do with her staying up all night...again.”

“Probably, with all the panic attacks she’s been having along with pulling all nighters, it would be normal for her immune system to plummet.” Manuela stated, as she assessed Byleth. “I’d say she just needs to rest in bed for a day and she’ll be good to go tomorrow.”

“Panic attacks?” Dimitri inquired, his eye narrowing.

“Oh? I figured you knew.” She mused. “She’s been having these panic episodes since last month.”

Dimitri worriedly glanced to the sleeping beauty that is Byleth. Her face was flushed, her chest rising and falling soundlessly, she looked so peaceful. “Poor thing, there’s been nothing but stress put on that poor girl. She needs to go out and have some fun, am I right? Maybe find a man to loosen her up.” Manuela sang, nudging him.

“That won’t make her feel better.” Dimitri growled. “Do me a favor, go get Mercedes and Ashe and tell them to bring something to eat for her… Please.”

Manuela slowly backed out of the infirmary, muttering some curses and other nonsense, leaving Dimitri to ponder what Manuela meant by such a thing. A man to loosen her up? How would that make her feel any better? Men out there are disgusting and cruel and Byleth is too good for them.

 _How hypocritical, didn’t you just describe yourself?_ His step- mother cackled.

 _She’s distracting you, boar prince, kill her now while she’s vulnerable._ Glenn insisted.

Dimitri clenched his fists so hard he could feel his nails starting to pierce his flesh. Even in this...state, he would never lay a finger on Byleth. Using abusive words towards her was enough to get him upset, if he were to hurt her psychically, then he has no reason to be beside her anymore. He didn't want to hurt her, not once. He only wanted to push her away from the danger that is him. She is in the lion’s den, and he has to get her out.

Byleth stirred awake, sitting up suddenly. Dimtri ran to her side, “Byleth?”

“Wha happah?” She slurred.

Was she always like this when she’s sick? “It’s too hot!” Byleth cried, ripping the covers off of her. Her claim contradictory as she shivered.

“No Byleth, you’re freezing.” He insisted, wrapping the blankets around her.

She glared at him, her lip pouting as she huddled into the warmth. 

"Why are you acting like a child?"

"Because."

"You're delirious."

"Nah."

"Yah."

He was dumbfounded. She _had_ to be acting like this on purpose, she has to be. There was no way she would willingly spoon with him. Then again, there was last night…

His face flushed even more of the memories flashed through his head, remembering her soft lips on his, her warm delicate hands running through his hair and down his back. “Dimitri..?” Byleth mumbled.

Dimitri hummed, letting her know he’s listening.

“I worry for you. Please don’t kill yourself, I would miss you dearly.”

He turned away from her tightened as tears escaped his eye. Of course she caught him thinking that way, she clearly saw his intent and fear in his eyes last night. She went out of her way to help him, she seeked him out to bring his favorite stew, told him stupid jokes to help him feel better, reassured him that everything was going to be okay, and she will help him whenever he called for it. “I-I won’t...I promise.” He gasped, wiping the tears away from his face.

“Good.” She replied, 

He grasped her hands in his palms, tracing her knuckles with his thumb. She fell asleep again, soft breaths escaping her mouth. 

➹➹➹

The weeks that followed, Dimitri seemed to be getting better. Dimitri started to visit Byleth's room often, and she would do the same. They spent their nights together sleeping with one another. Dimitri felt embarrassed to share a bed with his former Professor, Byleth however didn’t understand his embarrassment and simply tangled herself in him. Dimitri even publicly grasp her hand when they shopped around for supplies, or when they dined together. Sometimes Dimitri would pull Byleth aside to kiss her lips, the action made her pulse flutter. Byleth would do the same, but in front of others and only placed a kiss on his cheek. She picked him flowers every day, placing them in various places like his hair or cloak or in his bed.

Byleth hasn’t had a panic attack in weeks thanks to this new found happiness, nor did Dimitri have any ghosts visit him. They were both too distracted with one another. Byleth felt flowers bloom within her every time his eyes lit up at the sight of her, how embarrassed he would be when she kissed his face, or when he would be looking the other direction when he held her hand. It was wonderful, he was wonderful, everything is wonderful. Byleth could only see pink, flowers, rainbows, unicorns, and everything else that was lovely. She was on cloud nine and she never wanted to come down. But she knew this happiness and bliss will end soon. 

Those wonderful feelings soon died out, when the Blue Lions met to discuss what to do next.

“That’s suicide!” Felix barked, “If we were to march to Enbarr we will all die!”

“That will only flush out the weak from the strong.” Dimitri mused. “Those who die are worthless to me.”

Byleth ran a hand through her hair, then resumed to pick at her cuticles. They have been at this for an hour now. A veteran knight, Gilbert, called a meeting to be held to talk about where to head next. Dimitri of course, wanted to head straight for Enbarr. Felix, being the first to counter, rejected the idea, letting Gilbert say his piece about taking back the kingdom from Cornelia. Dimitri would have none of it and barked at them about their foolishness along with the reminders of what sins Edelgard has done.

Honestly, Byleth wanted to leave, all the yelling and screaming did not help her racing pulse, but she could not leave- This meeting was important, if she were to leave now it would only cause more chaos. And as the Archbishop (the job forced into her hands), she must be patient, understanding, and calm, to keep the peace between her beloved students. “Let’s get along, please.” Byleth begged gently.

“Stay out of this!” Dimitri snapped at her, his teeth grinding like a fork on a glass plate.

That patience did not last long, “Not until the both of you stop acting like _children!_ ” Byleth boomed.

Sylvain snorted, trying to keep in a laugh while everyone stared at Byleth with wide eyes. She’s never lost her temper at anyone before, nor has anyone seen her so angry. Usually, Byleth had a slight narrowing of her eyebrows, her mouth curved downwards and that was that. Now her jaw was clenched, her eyes full of burning rage, her face flushed red; Everyone in that room knew some shit was about to go down if Byleth was getting this upset.

“Well what do you propose we do, _professor_?” Dimitri mused. He hasn’t called her that in so long...the title took her by surprise, but that surprise only turned into anger.

“Well _Your Highness_ , we respond to Rodrigue's offer for help, and meet him at the Valley Of Torment like he requested. That way we can secure more soldiers and supplies for us to be successful if we were to march Enbarr.” Byleth explained with a snarl.

Gilbert nodded, “Dimitri, please, this will be the best route.”

“I agree.” Annette spoke up, “We really do need some supplies…”

“Yes, we need all the help we can get.” Ashe agreed.

The Blue Lions students chimed in with there support and agreements of receiving aid, forcing Dimitri to nod in agreement, then with a wave of his hand he dismissed everyone. “Byleth, stay behind.” Dimitri ordered.

Byleth cursed as everyone else flooded out the door, Felix glaring at Dimitri over his shoulder before leaving, purposely leaving the door open. Dimitri roughly grabbed Byleth's chin and forced her to look at him, “You said you would stay by my side.” He growled.

“You’re manipulating my words. I am still standing by you, I am just simply guiding you into the right direction.” Byleth grunted.

“The longer that woman's head is on her shoulders the more lives she will steal! Are you blind?! Do you not see what she is doing to Fodlan? Do you not care what she did to your father?!”

“Don’t bring my father into this.” Byleth grabbed his wrist and ripped it away from her face.

“Clearly you do!” Dimitri ignored her plea, his hands making frantic gestures at her, “You stupidly ran after Monica, craving for revenge of your father. You must see that I crave the same thing as well.”

Byleth pursed her lips into a thin line, making Dimitri laugh, “See?” he leaned in closer to her face, his breath fanning her nose. “You are merely a tool, like I was to you all those years ago.” He caged her in his arms, trapping her against the war table.

“Stop.” She hissed, turning her gaze away. “What happened to the Dimitri I know?"

Dimitri grabbed her face and forced her head to look at him. “That delusional boy you knew is dead.”

“I don’t believe you.” Even though she didn’t believe him, there was still doubt in her and that didn’t make it hurt any less. For him to say such awful things made her non beating heart hurt. 

He must have seen the flash of hurt in her eyes, because he went on to say with a chaotic grin, “You should Professor, being near me is only asking for death.”His blue eye darkened “You are distracting me from my goal. You are replaceable, I can easily find another woman to give me what I want-”

Byleth punched him in the nose, so hard he fell to his knees as blood dripped from his face. “Once this war is done, I’m leaving your sorry ass to the wolves!” She bellowed then quickly ran out of the room.

The gall he had to tell her such a thing. Replacing her with another women, disgusting, revolting, pig. Byleth let out a strangled cry of anger as her hands run through her hair and pulled. He was really pushing her limits, half the time he speaks she wants to smack him back to his senses. Dimitri is a fool, and Byleth is starting to believe that nothing can change him. Her heart hurt so bad, she loved him desperately. Yet, he has never once told her he loved her, this was all just a fantasy in her head she so desperately made up. As if the prince could like someone like her.

She hasn’t felt like this since her father passed. Her heart ached, tears formed in her eyes, her lip trembled. Byleth couldn’t help but feel ridiculous, crying over a stupid boy like she was in some romance novel. She can find easily happiness without someone by her side. Wiping her tears, she hurried down the hall, fear replacing her sadness as she remembered she just punched the king in the face.

Rushed footsteps from behind made Byleth turn in fear, but quickly relax as it was not Dimitri chasing her down the hall.

“Did you just punch the king in the nose?” Felix asked, a little gleam of satisfaction in his yellow eyes.

“No.” Byleth lied, but her thoughts betrayed her. _I am so fucking dead he’s going to kill me in my sleep I can’t believe I just did that I am so dead. Dead dead dead dead, I gotta get started on my will-_

Felix’s laugh echoed down the hall, “He deserved it. I don’t think you’ll get in trouble for that.”

“He’s going to kill me.”

Felix scoffed, “He will die by my blade before he lays a hand on you.”

His eyes lowered to her shaking hands, lips pursed into a thin line. “Come on. Let’s go spar.”

➹➹➹

Before they knew it, the day came for The Blue Lions travel to the Valley of Torment. The area was literal hell drawn to life, magma bubbled along the surface, the colors giving the surrounding area a soft orange hue, the ashen ground was barren and black, like charcoal. It really did portray Byleth’s mood perfectly. There was not one living thing here, no trees, grass, bugs, deer, rodents. The only living things however, was these idiots marching through the valley.

"Its soooooo hot!" Rapheal cried, fanning his face.

"Rapheal you're literally wearing close to nothing, how is it so hot for you? _I'm_ the one dying!" Hilda said dramatically, even going so far to close her eyes and press the back of her hand against her forehead, and falling back onto Marianne.

"You are all a bunch of morons." Felix grumbled.

"Ah, but a moron who saved your ass last week." Sylvain chided.

Felix's face became red, Byleth wasn't sure if it was because of the heat or something else entirely.

Byleth wished she left behind her large coat, as the weight of it made her sweat bullets. The heat reminding her of the time where she slept in the sauna for an hour, she had never felt so dizzy, nor has her skin been so red. Dimitri didn’t look any better, the fool wearing all black armor and his heavy cloak. She couldn't even fathom how awful he smelled- Most likely smelled of blood, sweat, other things. 

Byleth hasn't spoken to Dimitri in two weeks; she only entered to deliver food and drinks, nothing else. He hadn’t made any effort either to speak to her, he didn’t even look at her, thus making Byleth even more frustrated with him and hack a training dummy to pieces every night. Much like her father when dealing with these strong emotions, Byleth drank- She drank so much Caspar had to carry her back to her room on multiple occasions.

“Professor, do you think the goddess destroyed this beautiful valley out of rage?” Ignatz asked Byleth.

Shifting her thoughts to something more comical- She imagined Sothis having a tantrum about something stupid, losing control of her powers and destroyed a piece of land because of it. “I don’t see why not.” Byleth replied.

“I’ve always just imagined the goddess so calm and patient…”

Byleth held in her laugh, the goddess was nothing but impatient and cocky. Much like a child...oh how Byleth missed her.

“I want to die.” Sylvain wheezed.

“I can arrange that for you.” Felix mused.

“Hmm… Kinky.”

“Professor,” Gilbert spoke, interrupting the banter, “Be honest, how are you holding up?”

“I am at my limit.” She replied honestly.

“They say that Ailell was born of the goddesses rage.” Gilbert went on, as if he were trying to lower morale even more. 

The image of Sothis having a tantrum made her want to burst with laughter. She can almost hear Sothis yelling at her, _"Would you like me to create another Valley of Torment?! Because I will do it!"_

“Makes sense.” Byleth mused.

“The forest it once was was burned to ash by a pillar of light that descended from the heavens.” Gilbert went on. “As such, the legend fueled belief in a place of torment between our world and the next...where one’s sins are purified in the cleansing flames.”

“Oh…” Sylvain whimpered.

“Such nonsense! Sins are not so easily washed away.” Dimitri sneered.

“Maybe for _you._ ” Felix bit back.

“There are no such accounts of this being true.” Gilbert quickly intervened, “Yet those who cannot face their own sins have no choice but to cling to the idea.”

Byleth risked a glance at Dimitri, his gaze staring straight ahead into the eternal flames. He looked so lost, so alone...afraid. She knew that look, so Byleth pushed down her anger and grasped his large hand, only being able to hold a finger- As his hands were so big. Dimitri looked to her, with a wide eye. All Byleth could do was meet his gaze, gripping his finger tighter. His mouth opened slightly-

“I can’t take the heat anymore.” Mercedes moaned, “I think I am starting to see things. Near the mountains...is it just me, or is there a group of people gathered there?”

Everyone looked up, seeing soldiers towering over them on top of the mountains. “No, I don’t believe you’re hallucinating.” Gilbert quaked, “Are those Rodrigue's soldiers? No, their banner is of that....” He gasped. “ _No!_ It can’t be!”

“That is House Rowes banner.” Dimitri growled out, a smirk on his face as he ripped his hand from Byleths. “They curried in favor of that bitch and sold out Fearghus.”

Gilbert cursed, “There must have been a spy among us. Your highness, what do you propose we do?”

Dimitri laughed as he pulled out his lance, “There is only option!” He laughed, “How kind of them to save us the trouble of killing them later!” The grin on his face was sadistic as his eye intensely glared at the enemy before them.

“Aren’t they your former allies?” Byleth asked only to be met with Dimitri’s cold blue eye.

“Never call those traitors our allies again!” He roared at her. “That banner belongs to the Grey Lion, there is no point in trading words with one such as him. It will only be wasted breath.”

“His highness is correct.” Gilbert agreed.

Byleth turned to the enemies ahead. Memories of the past month washed over her, but she quickly shut them down.

She must be the Ashen Demon once more, as her sword belonged to the kingdom. She drew her The Sword of The Creator, and pointed at the enemy.

“ _Everyone! Prepare for battle!_ ” She roared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays everyone!


	4. Chapter 4

“Dimitri, Ashe, Sylvain, Lysithea, Mercedes, Rapheal, you go to the right of the fork! Gilbert, go with them and keep a close eye on Dimitri! Dimitri, if you die I’ll kill you! Mercedes, you make sure everyone is stays healed!” Byleth barked. “Felix, Marianne, Caspar, Ignatz, Ingrid, Hilda, you’re with me! Now let’s move!”

The two groups separated from each other. “Marrianne, focus on those heavy units! Casper, keep her guarded!” Byleth ordered.

Byleth unleashed her sword of the creator and let it glide through the air, slashing through the men that stood across the river of magma. Thoughts and fears vanished from her mind as instinct took control. She was the ashen demon, stealing, ending, taking lives. Stabbing, pushing, slicing, taking, taking, _taking_. Byleth pushed a women into the fire, stabbed through a man as if he were butter, slit another's throat. Lives were easy to take, and Byleth felt nothing. Only anger and anxiety ran through her veins.

“Ingrid!” Hilda screamed, snapping Byleth out of her murderous rage.

Byleth whipped her head to watch an arrow glide through the air and into Ingrid's pegasus, then watched her fall down in the pool of lava. Shattering glass rang through her ears as she rewound time, changing Ingrid's fate by whipping through the air and slicing the archer in half. Byleth continued her reign of terror by slicing and dicing her enemies across the battlefield, turning the hands of time back when a teammate fell to their death. She watched as Sylvain was shot in the heart, Marrianne taken by surprise as she was stabbed from behind, Hilda being set on fire-

 _Why the hell did Rodrigue want to meet here?_ Byleth thought angrily. _What an asshole, he was an asshole. Fuck Rodrigue, where the hell was the bastard anyway?_

As if on cue, Rondrigue and his army appeared from the shadows. The battle started to turn in her favor-

She was roughly pushed down onto the ground, something heavy landing on top of her as an ice spell flew past her. Byleth gripped onto that weight as strong arms helped her up, she was surprised to find that those arms were Dimitri's. Curious eyes shot up to him as his hateful blue one glared at the enemy before them. He threw his lance through the air and landed a perfect hit right between the enemies eyebrows. His blue eye darted to her, checking for wounds, “Are you alright?”

Byleth blinked- Once- Twice- Thrice, only to narrow her eyes. She pushed away from him as he clenched his teeth, opening his mouth to yell at her, only to be pushed out of harm's way then unleashing her sword stopping the flying axe aiming for the king.

The enemy general, The Grey Lion, galloped towards them; His horse adding to his height and intimidating form. “I am the Grey Lion! Do your worst-”

An arrow glided through the air and landed into left his shoulder. “Is that good enough for you?” Ashe growled out. “Step away from my friends!”

“You brat!” The lion roared, throwing an axe towards the archer. “You are getting in my way of the _real_ fight!”

Ashe cartwheeled out of the way, “Lysithea! Now!” He barked out.

Purple smoke surrounded the prey that is the lion, lightening slithering around alongside the fog of purple- Lashing out, striking the general making him scream pathetically as his corpse slid off his horse and into the boiling lava beside him. The horse stood there unscathed, his eyes wide with utter fear. Byleth let out a breath as she looked everyone over. Her hands ran over Sylvains chest, remembering the arrow that pierced him in another timeline. "Woah, easy there, Byleth." Sylvain chuckled with a smirk. 

"Yeah, you're fine." Byleth groaned with annoyance.

She then checked Marrianne for any wounds around her torso, cupped Hilda's face looking for burns, and hugged Ingrid tightly. "P-Professor?" Ingrid stammered, awkwardly patting her back. "Everyone is okay. Come, let's go speak with Rodrigue, okay?"

"I'm going to wait a bit. Until the feeling of wanting to punch his face subsides." Byleth muttered as she reluctantly released Ingrid.

“Uhm...Professor…?” Marianne spoke up quietly.

Byleth whirled to her, spooked by the fact she didn't even notice the quiet blue haired girl. “Can we keep the horse...? He looks lonely…” She asked.

The horse in question was looking down at his hooves, kicking the dirt sadly as it stood there...poor baby. 

“Yes.” Byleth said, as they met up with the others.

The post battle meeting was nothing but a blur to Byleth, Dimitri was given Ahreadbar and Rodrigue's support for his army. But at that moment Byleth could care less, yes she was happy that Rodrigue joined their ranks- However, Byleth was sweaty, annoyed, and beyond tired. So when they got back to their campsite, far away from the eternal hell, Byleth jumped into the closest river she could find butt naked. Practically moaning as it’s cool water kissed her skin soothingly. Making sure the water is covering her up, she slid down against the rock and sighed. Was this heaven? It must be, why else would she be this relaxed? She never wanted to leave this bliss, this beautiful lake that housed her relief.

But her solace was short lived, as she heard a squeal and splashes in front of her, followed by a couple more squeals. "Professor! There you are!" Mercedes called out, waving to her. "We saw you bathing in the river and decided to join in!"

Byleth smiled softly, swimming over to the group of girls gathered around each other. Annette was humming a song as she washed her orange hair, Ingrid was scrubbing her nails, Lysithea hid behind a rock, right next to Marianne, and Hilda was groaning with joy. "Why did he have to make us go all the way to hell! I've never felt more gross after a battle in all my life!" Hilda complained, flipping her pink hair over her shoulder.

"You say that after every battle!" Lysithea yelled.

"I can attest to that…" Marianne mumbled quietly.

"Yikes! Glad I was stationed back in camp today. I would have died!" Annette chimed in with a laugh. 

Hilda huffed, "Because these fights get worse! Honestly, I bet Claude is laughing at me miles away."

"How is Claude?" Byleth asked her.

"Hasn’t changed a bit. He does want to come see you Byleth, but he's been too busy with things to come by…"

Byleth nodded solemnly- Just now realizing how much she missed Claude. Claude was nothing more than a trouble maker, creating poisons and schemes that put her planning to shame. He had a charming smile and personality that easily drew her in, she felt as thought she could tell all her secrets to him without a care in the world. He was laid back, cracking jokes that he knew would make her laugh. Byleth considered him her best friend, her partner in crime. Even when she was standing alone at the ball, Claude grabbed her hand and led her to the dance floor. They both danced without a care in the world, it was an unforgettable night.

"How is that horse fairing, Marianne?" Annette asked, "He’s not an imperial spy like the king says he is?"

Marianne shook her head, "Epona is very kind. She liked the carrots I gave her."

"Well that's enough proof for me!" Hilda huffed.

"Stop making fun of his highness. He’s not in the right...mind set at the moment…" Ingrid snapped. 

"I-I wasn't trying to!" Annette sputtered, "I'm sorry it came out that way."

Hilda rolled her eyes, "Don't apologize Annette. This isn't as cruel as what he's saying to our dear professor here." She wrapped a naked arm around Byleth.

Lysithea narrowed her pink eyes, "What has that jerk said to you?"

Byleth looked down at the water as everyone’s eyes darted to her. Her pale face like shimmering stars reflecting off the water's surface. “Professor.” A hand gently cupped her cheek and lifted her face, Byleth’s worried eyes met with calm, yet angry blue ones.

“Just because he’s the king, doesn’t mean what he says is alright.” Mercedes said, her voice cold.

Byleth looked at everyone else, everyone's eyes urging her to go ahead and speak her mind. So she did, she let every single thing that was bothering her pour out of her mouth. All her insecurities, all her worries, all the things Dimitri has said to her. She felt awful speaking her mind, yet she felt...lighter.

➹➹➹

“So I’m nothing but a pig to you professor?”

Byleth gripped her quill tightly as she heard Dimitri’s heavy footsteps march towards her. “Answer the question.” He hissed in her ear.

The women in question was only following Mercedes advice; Which was to document her worries onto paper in the quiet space that is her room. She was just getting into a rhythm only for the delusional king to interrupt her. Looks like the sheet of paper was going to become a novel.

“What’s it to you? Haven’t you been calling yourself a monster? Why is a pig any different?” Byleth retorted.

Dimitri grabbed her chair and whirled her around to face him, trapping her between his arms. “You’re pushing it.” He barked through clenched teeth.

“What are you going to do? Hit me? Go ahead, see if that makes you feel better.”

His blue eye softened significantly, “I would never-”

“Then stop giving me empty threats. And I should be angry at _you_ for spying on me while I’m in the river.”

“I didn’t know you were there!”

“Even if you didn’t, any man would have the common sense to realize what’s going on and walk away! Not stay there and listen to private information!”

“You shouldn’t have been talking about our _fling_ in the first place!”

“Well maybe if you don’t say those awful things to me, none of this would’ve happened. Honestly Dimitri I don’t even think you know how much of what you say hurts me.”

He opened his mouth, only to snap it shut. Instead, his cold hands gently cupped her face, tracing his rough thumbs over her cheek bones. Byleth laughed and ripped his hands away from her, “Dimitri, I will be here for you when you need me. But you can’t keep manipulating me…” Byleth whispered. “You threaten me, then the next minute you’re all over me...I am not used to these emotions constantly at war in my head.” She looked up at him, her voice cracking. “You’re confusing me-”

He silenced her with a rough kiss. His teeth clanking against hers, as if he were devouring her lips. This time, Byleth didn’t kiss back- Instead bit his tongue, making him yelp and pull away, his face contorting to anger. Byleth had angry hot tears run down her cheeks, her mouth plump and red from the blood of his tongue and the violence of kissing. “I am not your plaything!” She barked at him. “I am not someone you use to get what you crave when necessary! I am here for you Dimitri, but not like this.”

He stood there, looking down at his feet as if he were a dog getting scolded by his master. Pathetic. Out of anger, she yelled out, “You have said you can easily find another woman, why not use your power to sedate your desires!”

Dimitri snapped his head at her, his eye promising death as a grin spread across his face. He waltzed to the towards the end of the tent, looking over his shoulder at her as he said, “Maybe I will.”

➹➹➹

When Byleth finally cut down the last imperial soldier on the Bridge of Myrddin, she sheathed her sword and ran straight for Dedue. She thought the quiet man was dead- Sacrificing himself for Dimitri to escape his death, but somehow he was alive, breathing and fighting and just...existing. Her legs ached from the battle before, yet she hardly cared. She was so ecstatic to see her former student alive that she jumped into strong arms. “Oof!” Dedue wheezed, staggering back a few steps. “Pr-Professor?”

Not saying a word, she gripped him tighter, legs hooking around him, caring not for gasps and stares in her direction. Luckily Dedue understood, and wrapped his arms around her waist tightly, a soft smile on his lips.

“Dedue!”

Byleth immediately let go and turned to Dimitri marching towards them...well...it looked more like speed walking. “Your Highness!” Dedue exclaimed.

“How- I thought you died!- Five years ago…”

“My brothers from Duscar saved me.”

Dimitri’s jaw dropped, his eye slightly widening, “Those people you brought...they are men of Duscar? And they saved you?”

“Your Highness. I asked that you fulfill your long-held desire, did I not?” Dedue got down on a knee, bowing his head before the king. “I only ask of you for me to be your sword and shield once again. I want to see you triumph...succeed with me by your side.”

Dimitri dropped to his knees before him and placed shaky hands upon his shoulders. “Of course Dedue. But in exchange, you must swear to me here and now.” He pulled Dedue in for an embrace, “ _Never give up your life again_. Understood?”

Dedue froze at the public affection his king was showing him, only to slowly nod as Dimitri quietly sobbed onto his shoulder.

“Understood.” The king’s vassal whispered.

Soon the rest of the Blue Lions class rushed over and smothered Dedue with their happiness. Annette was sobbing, along with Ingrid and Mercedes. Felix patted his shoulder (in Felix’s language that meant he was happy). Sylvain hugged him so tight Byleth thought his face was turning blue, as did Ashe, who was also bursting into tears and snot.

Later, everyone celebrated Dedue’s return from the dead. Seteth even let everyone crack open the alcohol for the occasion. Byleth thought she probably drank...five beers? She didn’t know, but she wasn’t drunk enough so she asked for another glass. Drinking with her father made her the woman she is today, a women with high tolerance to alcohol.

Dimitri even stayed for the occasion, though refusing the alcohol. He has no class, when Byleth caught him drunk she found that he drank cheap, shitty liquor, now when they got the good stuff he doesn’t drink it? What is wrong with him? And not to mention he was smiling softly at Marrianne. Why was he smiling? What was Marrianne doing what Byleth is not? _No_ , Byleth hissed at herself, _This is Dedue’s night, I will not become some petty teenager and ruin my friendships over some asshole_.

The promise she made to herself made her feel slightly better. Come to think of it, Marianne and Dimitri would make a lovely couple, Marianne is soft spoken and sweet, and understanding. She’d be great wife for Dimitri, as she as well was at war with her inner demons. Byleth smiled at the thought of Dimitri and Marianne becoming husband and wife, both of them becoming blushing, lovey dovey, happy idiots.

Byleth downed her seventh beer, wished Dedue a good night and a hug, and turned in for the night. She was excited to read a novel Ingrid gave her and couldn’t wait to dive in. From what Ingrid and Ashe told her, it was about a girl who meets a shepard and together they stop the evil forces of a dragon named Grima. Byleth was all for that, plus the candy thief on the cover made her laugh. She expected to spend the rest of her night to be all snug under the covers, with candles lit around her as she enjoyed the juicy story.

What she didn't expect was Dimitri at her door. Byleth stared up at him with her arms crossed. "Yes?" 

Dimitri grumbled something and shoved lavender tea leaves into her hand. 

"Huh?" She wondered aloud, giving him a baffled look. 

"You left these back in the dining hall." He explained, his eye staring at his boots. 

"Dimitri...I never take this type of tea out of my room..." 

"Well you did and you left it at the dinning hall. End of discussion." He whipped around, starting to walk away. "Good night." 

Then he was gone, disappearing into the night. 

She noticed Felix hiding in the bushes across the walkway of her room, he glared at the king, pointed at him, then pressed his fist into the palm of his hand. Byleth shook her head and waved him off. He only glared and lowered himself in the bushes. Grunting, she shut the door and jumped into her cozy bed. 

➹➹➹

"Good morning professor." Dedue greeted. "Beautiful day isn't it?" 

Byleth smiled wide at him. Seeing him was like waking up to presents in the morning on a cold winter day. 

"Everyday is beautiful when you're here." Byleth teased. 

Dedue flushed red and looked down at the daffodils at his feet. "Was there something you needed?" 

"No. I heard you were here at the greenhouse and I wanted to spend time with you. I haven't seen you in so long." 

Dedue smiled softly at his professor, "I see. You can start by watering the vegetables." 

Byleth nodded, "I'm glad you're back Dedue. I've missed you. Everyone did." Then she got to work. 

She missed the tears in the man's blue eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ryelle helped me out a lot on this chapter, go check out her stuff! Because her writing is beautiful.


	5. Chapter 5

The girl Dimitri recklessly recruited made Byleth suspicious. Her name was Felche, a girl who wanted revenge for her fallen brother...or so the story goes. She was just like Dimitri when she spoke of her revenge; Fleche got a crazed spark in her eyes, the corners of her mouth raised high as she let out manical laughter, her voice hoarse when she spoke of the sins she will do in honor of her brother. But when she wasn’t in that revenged state- her eyes were soft like the twinkling stars, her mouth all teeth and smiles, her voice bright and cheery. Her happy mood was shown around everyone...except one.

Byleth was never any good with emotions, but the way the girls eyes darkened when around Dimitri made her blood boil. Felche’s eyes would get that spark and grin when his presense was near, as if she was assessing all his weaknesses and strengths, things that make him cry out or scream. Byleth tried to speak to Dimitri about the issue, that the girl could be an imperial spy and they knew nothing about her background.

The boar only retorted, “We accepted you after your five year slumber without a question about trust. Don’t question my authority again.”

Byleth spoke to Rodrigue, he reassured her that his men were keeping a close eye on her, as he didn’t trust her either.

The worried professor stalked the girl when she wandered the monastery. Byleth thought it was odd that the girl only took exactly 14.78677 milliliters of ginger tea and the rest of the beverage was milk and sugar, or when the girl gushed over the puppies that inhabited the monastery, giving them prime rib or steak, or how she praised everyone about everything. Felche is a walking suspicion and nobody is doing a goddamn thing.

“Hello Professor! I almost didn’t see you there!” The questionable girl chirped.

Byleth quickly stood up from the bushes and coughed awkwardly. “H-Hello Felche.” She greeted.

“Were you looking for berries?” The girls “innocent” blue eyes widened with curiosity.

“Ah-”

“Of course not! Professor simply fell from the heavens!” Dorthea chimed in. Where did she come from? “Look at her natural beauty! She wouldn’t just be picking berries in the dirt!”

“That is true, you are quite the beauty professor!” Felche giggled.

Byleth’s mouth angled downwards as did her eyebrows.

“What?” Dorthea giggled, “It’s true!”

“This subject has gone on for too long. Bye.” The flustered mercenary stepped away.

Since that encounter, Felche has been following Byleth non-stop. Asking personal questions, what sword is best for killing someone, gush over her beauty when she won a spar with Felix. Felche seemed to crave the professor's attention at every turn, and it was annoying.

➹➹➹

"We have to fight...at Gronder Field…?" Byleth whispered as she gripped the maps in front of her.

"Yes...why?" Gilbert asked bluntly.

"We...fought a mock battle there...with the other classes-"

Dimitri slammed his hand on the table, "If you're going to reminisce about the past, then I suggest you leave this meeting _now._ "

Byleth turned her gaze to her clenched hands, her lip trembling. She didn't want to fight her former students, especially not at a place where they fought one another as classmates. As soon as she felt the tears run down her cheeks she excused herself and hurried out the meeting room. Byleth didn't want to harm her students, she wanted them in her arms or across the table for tea instead of a lance. She wanted nothing more than to have everyone together again. Byleth found a quiet corner in her father's old office, curling up into a ball and sobbed. Sobbed for Edelgard; the poor girl craving vengeance for something done to her during childhood. For Claude who only dreamed of a new world. And for Dimitri, who was far from her reach. She then sobbed for her father, his life was stolen from him too soon. If he were here right now, what would he say about her hair? About her new feelings of anxiety and love? Would he like the women she became today? Would he be disappointed, angry, ashamed? Her tears wouldn't stop flowing, continuing to fall down her cheeks like waterfalls.

Felche rushed into her office, cooing Byleth’s name when she found her hiding in the corner. Great, just what she needed, a girl she doesn’t trust finding her at her most vulnerable.

“Is it anxiety?” Felche asked.

Byleth glared at her, her look saying _what does it fucking look like?_

The girl sighed, sitting beside Byleth. “I know how you feel…” Felche whispered.

“That’s what everyone says to me, but they don’t know what goes through my head.”

“I know exactly what you’re going through.” The girl said harshly. “My parents died when I was young, so while my brother was out during mercenary work, I was watching over my younger siblings. During the day I took care of them, and at night I worked. I taught them how to read and write and fight. Things started to look up when my brother was getting paid so much gold that we could swim in it.” Felche rubbed her hands together. “Then he didn’t come back...he was killed by the empire. So I begged to join the ranks here, so my siblings can have food and I can get the revenge I crave.” Her blue eyes stared intently at Byleth, “So yes, I do know what it’s like to feel like you’ve failed the people you care about. I feel that I have failed my siblings everyday, I could have prevented my brothers death, I didn’t love my siblings enough, I should’ve worked harder for money so my brother didn’t accept the job…”

Byleth’s mouth was agape, her eyes darting around her face as if searching for what to say. “It’s alright professor.” Felche smiled, “Just know that you are not alone, okay?”

Byleth nodded solemnly, wiping away tears that have yet to escape. “Okay.”

➹➹➹

Byleth was quiet this moon, not speaking to anyone much or conveying any emotions, not even showering her students with gifts. Though she still checked on Dimitri every night. She could see the endless questions in his eye, wondering why she hasn't been conversing with him as much. One night he sought out her, finding her curled in a ball in her father's office sobbing quietly. It did a number on his heart. He couldn't stop himself from going over to her and settling himself beside her. He shakily reached out for her hand, holding it tightly. A million things he could say to her, but he said nothing. No apologies for the awful things he's said, the horrific actions she's witnessed, the worries he caused her. He knew that he was the spark to start her newfound anxiety, but she will never admit it.

The voices only grew worse over the weeks. They screamed bloody murder about millions of things he’s done wrong. He could probably build a palace out of the rubble of words his ghosts screamed at him these past five years.

But in that moment, the voices were silent. Her hand was warm...he wished he removed his gauntlets beforehand, just to feel her soft skin against his. The king wanted to know every curve, every peak and crevice of her hand, all the patterns and scars. Soon her breathing slowed, her body slumping over onto his shoulder. Dimitri didn't want to disturb her, so he unclasped his cloak and wrapped it around them. Holding her close he nuzzled her hair with his nose and fell asleep along with her.

As the weeks grew closer to the Battle of Gronder, Byleth’s mentality seemed to plummet. She would get irritable at the littlest of things, anxiety consumed her at every chance it gets, she stopped eating again. Her thoughts of worry would reply over and over and over and over…. Dimitri came to check on her one night, finding her slicing her hair off with a dagger, cutting it just right above her shoulders. Her hands shook with such intensity that Dimitri ripped the dagger from her hand.

"What is the matter with you?!" He barked with worry. He never thought he would see his beloved professor acting in such a way. Yes, he's seen her grieve before, but she has never locked herself away from everyone, not even going as far to cut off her hair.

"That's what I'm wondering." Byleth muttered.

"You need to pull yourself together." He hissed.

She laughed, "It's not that easy for me. You forget that I haven't felt anything for most of my life. To suddenly experience these scary emotions is difficult to push through."

Dimitri glared at his pathetic professor, he could barely recognize her. She usually overcomes the impossible, when he thought she was dead she proved him wrong by cutting the damn sky open and walking out to kill Solon.

Dimitri swore and started to search through her belongings in her desk drawer. He found some sewing needles, whetstone, weird sets of clothing, none of what he was looking for. He gasped when he peeked into the third drawer of her desk, finding bags on top of bags of chamomile tea- his favorite tea.

His professor invited him out to tea for his birthday, the sun was happily shining upon them on a cold winter day, or was that Byeth’s radiant smile? Even the birds sang, as if they were singing him a birthday song. _"Chamomile is so soothing."_ Dimitri has said, sipping his tea quickly.

 _"I'm happy you like it! It helps me sleep at night."_ She says.

Dimitri chewed the inside of his mouth to stop himself from cursing, quickly he grabbed the tea leaves and ran towards the kitchen. Brewing a quick pot of hot tea and rushing back to her room. "I don't need any." She huffed as he poured her a cup.

"I think you know that you do." Dimitri retorted. "Please drink this, it'll help."

"Nothing helps."

"If you don't drink this right now I'll force it into your mouth like a mother bird feeding her chicks."

"No you wouldn't."

"Try me." Byleth gave him a knowing look, her eyes beautiful, more fuller due to her now cut hair out of the way. The king waited a bit, before sipping the tea and leaning over to her.

Byleth yelped and scrambled away, "Okay fine I'll drink the damn tea you...you… "She sputtered, her eyes darting around the room to find an appropriate insult. Her cheeks burned red as he poured her another cup, then watching her sip slowly.

"Have you eaten anything?" Dimitri asked quietly.

The mercenary's lips thinned, her empty eyes staring at the steaming tea. Dimitri thought as much, he was able to snag some apples and jerky for her while brewing her tea. When she finished her drink the king shoved the food into her hands. "I-I cant." Byleth whimpered.

"You don't have a choice." He hissed.

She pushed the food away from her and hid her face behind her hands. Her body trembled severely. "Byleth you have to eat!" Dimitri yelled.

"I can’t!"

"Why can't you?! If you don't eat you'll starve!"

Byleth whimpered and shrunk back further into the corner of her bed. Dimitri set the food aside and roughly pulled her hands away from her face. Her cheeks wet and eyes red from the tears, her mouth open from her desperate breaths. Eyes wide, filled what seemed to be with...fear. He scared her...she is terrified of him. The kings demeanor softened significantly, he wrapped his arms around her small, shivering frame and held her close. Soothing her with gentle caresses of her hair and back, whispering words of (attempted) comfort. Pressing her face into his hard chest, she let out a wail of despair. The sound making Dimitri want to cry out with shock. Her shakes only worsened, and sobs grew louder. What does he do? What can he do? He cooed her name very quietly, rubbing soft circles down her back. His eye averted from her trembling form to the slices of hair scattered on the floor. What has gotten into her? Did he hurt her that badly?

 _Isn’t that what you wanted?_ He thought angrily to himself. Then the door slammed open. Felix stood in the doorway with the look of death on his face and his sword drawn.

"What did you do?" He shouted, stepping close to him.

"Now is not the time Felix." Dimitri warned. "Go get Mercedes and make it quick…”

“Why should I take orders from you boar?”

“Felix please!” Dimitri begged, his voice full of anguish. “I don’t know what’s going on, but you must make haste and find Mercedes! _Please!_ ”

The small mans face slightly lost its hardness. After a while, Felix gave a nod to his king, sheathed his sword and hurriedly running off to find the healer.

➹➹➹

Byleth felt she was drowning. The water ebbing and flowing over her screaming head as she tried to swim out of these sea of emotions. But the waves kept on coming. As soon as she breathes in fresh saltwater air, water engulfs her and brings her back down to the bottom. She couldn't even break through to the surface. The woman didn’t know up from down, or left from right. All she knew was that she was drowning and there was no way to escape.

_“You fool! Come on! Swim!”_

“Sothis?” Byleth mumbled. “Am I dead?”

_“Snap out of it! Your friends need you dammit! Let them help you so you can help them! Please Byleth, people depend on you!”_

➹➹➹

Byleth blinked back into the present. Her vision blurring making her feel like she was looking through a shattered mirror. When her sight cleared, she found Felche sitting beside her bed. "Oh good you're awake!" She cried when she saw Byleth's eyes flutter open. "I'll go get Mercedes!"

When she took her leave, Byleth quietly stepped out of the infirmary bed. She needed to get some work done, as she was neglecting it due to her inconveniences that was human emotion. She needed to be strong, needed to be there for her students that she was failing. She couldn’t just curl up and hide, that’s all she has ever been doing.

Reaching out to the door, she turned the knob only to find Felix behind it. "Where the fuck do you think you're going?" He growled.

"Well hi to you too Felix." Byleth mumbled.

"You should be in bed!”

"That's all I've been doing! I've become a lazy good for nothing stoic _freak_ , all because I can't handle the slightest hint of humanity!" Byleth ran a hand through her hair. "I know the whispers about me! Now get out of my way to prove them wrong."

Felix crossed his arms and stood his ground. Byleth ducked under him only to trip, Felix grabbed her by the waist, hoisted her up and over his shoulder. Byleth thrashed around, punching his back, kicking her legs, shouting curses and threats. Felix threw her onto the bed and pinned her down. “Stop it, Byleth!” The swordsman cried.

Byleth struggled some more, trying to get out of his grip, becoming desperate enough to spit in his face. Felix’s jaw clenched tightly, his amber eyes glowing with anger. “Pull yourself together!” His hand raised and struck her across the face.

The woman blinked, rubbing her stinging cheek in shock. “You need to get over this pathetic act!” Felix roared, “You’re never going to get over this insanity by sitting in your room watching paint dry! Get your shit together or let the madness consume you like the boar!” He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her close to his raged face, “Do you want us to _lose_ this war? Do you want to see us all _die_ because of your inner demons?”

Byleth shook her head, her lip wavering.

“Then pick yourself up and become the leader we look up to.”

Much to Byleth’s surprise, Felix hugged her- _Hugged her._ Not even an awkward, light hug like he did when he found her alive after five years; His arms wrapped around her tightly, his hand holding her head close to his neck, his nose buried in the curve of hers. “You’re a stupid fool.” Felix muttered, his voice cracking. “You idiot, how can you let it get this bad?”

“I’m sorry…” Byleth sniffed, once again letting herself cry.

“Shut up.” He growled.

Byleth couldn’t help but giggle quietly, “Thank you Felix...I-I needed that.”

He only gave a grunt in reply, trying to keep his facade of anger towards her, thought the little drops of water betrayed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Ryelle for helping me uwu


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. School is keeping me real busy!

The day of reckoning is here. 

Byleth stood on the bloody ground of Gronder Field, searching for flashes of red or yellow. Instead she found fire flying towards her armies, their bodies becoming fuel for the flames. “I will take your head from your shoulders, the dead must have their tribute.” Dimitri growled. 

Byleth saw a flash of white and yellow up in the skies. Her heart raced, knowing exactly who was soaring the skies. “Dedue.” Byleth called him over. 

Dedue was at her side immediately. “Please watch over Dimitri, I need to do something.” Byleth then leaned in towards the Duscar man’s face “ _ But do not die. _ Understood?” 

The man nodded just as Dimitri roared, “ _ Kill every last one of them!”  _

Soldiers sieged forward, mages cried out as magic surrounded them, calvaries trampled the dying grass. Byleth was relieved that she informed everyone except the delusional king to leave the Alliance soldiers alone; as she had a plan in place for The Schemer, all she had to do was talk to him. 

Byleth ran towards the left, searching for that familiar mischievous face. 

She was met with Alliance soldiers trying to cut her down. Byleth didn’t fight back- she sheathed her sword, dodged the enemy, and continued to run. She searched for her former student, knowing she could sway him to surrender and join the kingdoms fight. 

“You should’ve picked me Teach!” 

An arrow nicked her ear as strong gusts of wind roared around her. The ground trembled as the large white wyvern landed before her, the man in yellow following suit. “I am happy to see you alive after all these years! Too bad you’re on the wrong team though.” Claude boomed as he unsheathed his sword, “Isn’t The Empire your enemy? There isn’t a point fighting each other is there?” 

Byleth smiled wide. “No there isn’t. Which is why I came to see you.” 

“I knew you couldn’t resist me.” Claude chuckled, turning to his army, “Everyone! The Kingdom army will be fighting alongside us!” 

The schemer’s army looked at each other in disbelief as Byleth and Claude shook hands. 

“Thank you.” Byleth whispered over the sudden cheers that shook the battlefield. 

Claude gave her his genuine smile, “Thank  _ you _ for making this whole thing easier. Honestly I was pacing back and forth last night...I really hate all this fighting.” 

“I cut my hair out of frustration because of this…” 

“Looks good on you. Then again you look good no matter what.” Claude ignored her embarrassed sputters as he took her hand and pulled her towards his wyvern. With his help, Byleth hopped on the saddle behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist tight. 

He laughed, “You’ll be fine. I’ll take good care of you.” 

The cry from his wyvern and the sudden launch from the ground did not help her fears whatsoever. 

“Gee, I feel very reassured.” Byleth grumbled. 

Claude laughed, urging his wyvern to hurry up to Dimitri. “Remember our little plan?” He asked. 

“I may have to improvise.” The professor sighed as she witnessed Dimitri slaughter another man recklessly. 

Following her line of vision, Claude gasped when he spotted Dimitri, “ _ That's _ Dimitri!?” 

Claude didn’t even let her answer, “What happened to him?” 

“I can’t say I know.” Byleth lied, standing up on his wyvern. “See you down there.” 

Then she jumped. 

The Sword of the Creator unleashed it’s deadly whip across the field, killing the enemies that surrounded Dimitri as she flew down from the sky. It was as if she was dancing with a ribbon across a stage, performing a tragic play. “Dimitri stop being so reckless!” Byleth ordered, throwing a dagger at a man's head. 

“ _ Get out of my way!”  _ Dimitri roared as he swung Ahreadbar towards the sky, cutting a man in half. 

The boar roughly pushed Byleth to the ground, rushing forward toward the women in red. 

Byleth went to run after him only to be surrounded by imperial troops. The tactician groaned and whipped her sword around to steal the souls of men just fighting for their lives. 

The soldiers fighting her were like a hydra, cutting off one head only for two more to grow back. Byleth breathed heavily, her movements slowed, ears ringing, her grip slipping. She could reverse time to make it easy upon herself, but that was only for emergencies- saving her students. Letting out a cry of rage, she raised her sword only to swing it towards hell as she beheaded a man. 

Claude’s wyvern slashed there’re way towards the struggling woman, causing imperial soldiers retreat from the fear of being clawed to death. The man jumped off the saddle to offer her a vulnary. "Teach you gotta be careful!" He cried out.

"I’m fine." Byleth hissed, barely dodging an arrow. 

"I didn't know you had a sense of humor Teach; that's your best joke yet."

A roar made everyone freeze, causing Byleth to snap her head up towards the platform Edelgard was on. She let out a choked sob as she witnessed Edelgard swing her axe to Dimitris head. 

"Dimitri!" Ingrid cried out in a panic. 

Dedue roared as he made a path of bloodshed towards the fallen prince. 

Everything Byleth fought for, everything she’s been through was all for naught. Her ambitions, her dreams were all dead, falling with the prince of delusion. 

Soldiers around them boomed with cheers and sobs, the noise only a ring to her ears. 

"Fucking Serios!" Claude cursed as he caught Byleth’s trembling form. 

"Claude…" Byleth whimpered. "I'm sorry." 

His teeth clenched and his eyebrows narrowed. "It’s not your fault-" 

Little did he know that was not what she was apologizing for. Glass broke around her as she rewound time to the beginning of the battle. 

" _ Kill every last one of them! _ " Dimitri roared as he led his army to charge through the fields of certain death. 

Byleth followed him every step of the way, cutting, slashing, twisting every soldier that stood in his way. Trying her hardest to keep the man she loves from harm. He was reckless, insane even, brutally ending the lives of soldiers who were only trying to live. Byleth rewound time so many times she last count, but she knows her energy is depleting as she vomited on an enemy and then killed them. 

Byleth hissed as an arrow nicked her side, she looked up to find Claude pointing a  nocked arrow at her. She could almost see the betrayal in his dark green eyes. She simply avoided his rain of arrows, refusing to attack her dearest friend. 

Soon enough they make it to Edelgard, Dimitri becoming even more blood thirsty than before, a pleasured grin spreading across his face. “Break your neck, stab your chest, choke you with your innards. I will be kind enough to let you choose your death.” He cackled. 

“I am not interested in how I die, only when it happens.” The woman in red replied, her eyebrows rising slightly of worry but quickly replaced with determination, “I have no intention of dying today.” 

“I’m sure the people you  _ slaughtered  _ thought the same!” He roared. 

Raising his lance, he pounced on her, only for Edelgard to kick him back with her heel and knock him hard backwards down the stairs of the platform. 

“One of our paths must come to an end, my teacher.” 

Byleth whipped her head towards her as Edelgard raised her axe.

“Your journey ends here. Forever.” 

The professor wasn’t sure if it was Edelgards attire or the fire burning around her, but all she could see was red. Byleth roared and she let her sword unhinge, the deadly ribbon spinning around the ashen demon and lashing out towards the empress. Edelgard taking  hit after hit after hit, crying out and gasping for air. 

“You are not making this easy for me.” She rasped. 

“Maybe don’t start a war next time.” Byleth hissed just as Dimitri came running up the stairs again to get his chance to fight his step-sister. 

“You die  _ today _ bitch!” Dimitri boomed, slashing his lance across- 

Air. 

Edelgard was gone. 

“Your highness!” Rodrigue called out, his horse galloping towards them, Felix and Sylvain following behind. “We must retreat immediately-” 

“I will pursue the witch! The rest of you keep fighting!” Dimitri barked. 

“We can’t do that! The Imperial army is closing in!” 

“I will kill them  _ all! _ It won’t matter if there are hundreds or thousands, I will  _ tear them limb from limb _ _!_ ” 

“Calm down you boar!” Felix yelled. “You are in no condition to fight! You’re soaked in blood!” 

“It’s not mine.” Dimitri muttered. 

“I can heal you!” 

Fleche came running to them, a determined look on her face. “Let me heal you, your highness! So you can keep fighting!” The maiden looked up at the scowling man with a sweet grin. “I want that girl’s head for killing my brother.” 

Dimitri suddenly smiled wickedly, “Very well.” 

“Hey what about me-!” Sylvain gasped as Felche pulled out a sword and stabbed Dimitri through his breast plate causing him to scream. 

“Have I caught you off guard your highness?” The girl cackled. “Awwwww does it hurt? Are you going to  _ cry? _ The pain is  _ nothing compared to what my brother felt!”  _ She continued to laugh as she raised her sword yet again. 

“Dimitri!” 

Rodrigue somehow made it to Dimitri’s side, taking the fatal blow for himself. 

“ _ Father!”  _ Felix cried. 

Byleth hissed as she rewound time, only being able to rewind a couple seconds before- but it was enough. She ran in front of Dimitri, taking the blow instead of Rodrigue, the sword stabbing through her stomach. Her wound screamed as she twisted her body to behead the girl, letting her head roll down the hill. Only then did she let herself collapse onto the wet grass.  Her ears rang, her body trembled from overuse and pain, but she didn’t mind; she would rather die than let Felix lose his father, and the only family Dimitri has left, losing Rodrigue would only destroy the king's sanity further. 

She didn’t expect Dimitri to roar her name as his trembling arms held her. His cold hands pressing down onto the wound as he begged her not to leave him. 

“All the people I have ever loved left me behind!” He sobbed. “ _ Please don’t die!  _ I can’t bear the thought of you becoming another ghost to haunt me! _ Byleth ! ” _ He shook her. “Byleth  _ please don’t leave me again!  _ Why would you take a hit that was for  _ me?! _ ” 

“Because I believe in you.” She gasped, her voice rough. 

She reached a shaky hand to Dimitri’s face, brushing blonde locks behind his ear as a smile bloomed upon her face. “You must live for what you believe in Dimitri.” She rasped. 

“I-I can’t! A beast like me with hands stained red can’t go on living! You should have let me die!” 

“If you d-died, Fodlan would descend further into chaos. The people around you need you Dimitri.” 

“So you decided to die in my place!? Byleth don’t you see-” His yells turned to whispers as he cupped her face. “ _ I  _ need you.” 

_➹➹➹_

" _ There you go again! Honestly you're so reckless! _ " Sothis scolded. " _ You're lucky I'm here! You would've died so long ago if not for me! _ " The girl grunted. " _ Get up! You've been sleeping for too long!" _

"Five more minutes." Byleth mumbled. 

" _ Are you- Gah! _ " Sothis cursed. " _ If you don't get up now that man is going to kill himself! Make haste for his sake! _ ” 

_➹➹➹_

Lighting shook the monastery, shaking Byleth awake. 

Her hands fumbled over her body, her last thought being stabbed by that little brat she grew to trust- finding no wound there. She slowly inched her way out of bed, her legs wobbly from resting so long. How long was she out for? Looking out the window she found the sky to be depressed, grey clouds covered the usually blue sky, the rain poured down so hard it was as if Sothis herself was crying over the bloodshed.

Byleth's legs wobbled as she stood on the cold stone floor. Looking around, she noticed 

that no one occupied the gloomy infirmary besides a sleeping Manuela. 

Sighing with relief, she moved her cotton nightgown away from her stomach and glanced at her wound, only to find nothing there; Only the pain was left behind, but it didn't scream at her like before- it was easily manageable. Byleth found her folded cloak on the chair beside her and hurriedly put it on. 

Taking a breath, she let her jelly legs carry her out of the building and into the dark. 

The rain poured what seemed like buckets of water upon her head, causing her teeth to chatter as well as her form. The sky is blindingly black, except for the occasional rumble of lightning dancing across the sky. 

She stumbled around the monastery, looking for the familiar man in blue. Her whole body felt heavy, her feet like bags of concrete she was dragging on the wet ground. But it was worth it when she found the king in question. 

He was heading straight into the stables. 

That mother fucker. 

Byleth intercepted him, his surprise evident as he gasped loudly at the sight of her, it quickly became a snarl. "What are you doing here? You should be resting!" He scolds. 

"You're going to Enbarr aren't you?" Byleth responded coolly as her arms crossed. 

Dimitri’s eye narrowed even more, his mouth parting slightly only to close it again. He reminded Byleth of a cornered deer awaiting its death. 

"It doesn't concern you!" He barked. 

"It does! Do you honestly think that will appease the dead?!" 

He grabbed her shoulders, gripping them tight enough to bruise. "Silence! You have no idea what I'm talking about! You have no idea what I suffer through Every.  _ Single _ . Day in this miserable life!" 

"But I do know!" Byleth bit back, standing her ground. "Ever since I've come back I know that I have failed you all! I know I left you all behind when you still needed guidance, still needed help, but I left you and I can't do a single thing about it! I want to go back five years ago and prevent what happened, I want to prevent you from losing yourself-" 

"Shut up!" Dimitri intervened. "That is nothing! I watched my whole family _ die! _ I was held prisoner for a crime I didn’t commit, I was tortured for just being alive! All I want is to kill that bitch and claim our revenge for what she has done!" 

"That won't be possible if you go now! You'll kill yourself!" 

"Maybe I want to kill myself. Maybe I want to  _ die _ ! Death would finally give me the release I crave-" 

"If you crave it so much, why don't you do it?" 

Dimitri's eye blinked rapidly in surprise, he went to open his mouth for a retort only for Byleth to shut him down. 

"You think death is the answer? Well it’s fucking not! You know what you'll be doing? All the sacrifices that have been made for you would all be for nothing! You think that's your father screaming at you for revenge? That's what you conjured up out of guilt for what has happened!" She held her hand up to stop him from commenting. 

"Your father loved you! He wouldn't be constantly screaming at you for revenge! Glenn gave his life for you so you can make a legacy of yourself! So you can live on and lead your people to justice! And you think that your step mother would be constantly tormenting you for her benefit? So don’t you  _ dare _ say you want to die ever again?! You hear me?!" She took a deep breath. 

"Don't you see, Dimitri? These ghosts you speak of are nothing but delusions of guilt." 

He pushed away from her and turned away. "Stop spouting nonsense about how I should go on living for the sake of them-"

"That's exactly what you're doing now! You only want to survive because you feel that you owe them! They already had their life! Now take control of yours and live for what you believe in!" 

"W-What I... believe in?" He muttered, his head tilting down to stare at his hands. "B-but my hands are stained red! Does a monster such as I really deserve that kind of life?" 

Byleth didn't say a word, she simply held out her hand in front of him. 

He never looked more lonely. His body sopping wet, his shoulders slumped and a lone blue eye conveying nothing but longing. Dimitri's hand trembled as he took her hand into his. 

"Your hands are so warm…" he mumbled. "Have they always been?" 

_➹➹➹_

Dimitri has never felt so tired. 

He let Byleth drag him out of the pouring rain and into her dorm, forcing him into her bathing room to shower while she retrieved new sets of clothing. 

He splashed warm water in his face, almost moaning when the water ran down his neck; Almost making him forget the feeling of being a big baby in such a small tub. Every other feeling besides embarrassment and guilt were nulled.

He groaned and sunk further into the tub, his knees breaching the surface. Part of him wanted to stay in this warm blanket for eternity, never thinking or worrying about a single damn thing. It would be glorious. But life wasn’t like that, he would have to eventually get out and face the repercussions of his sins. 

Dimitri thought she was dead. Byleth had been asleep for two weeks, one night he came to check on her. Her breaths were shallow and quiet, not a single muscle moved, not even a little. Out of worry, he pressed his head upon her chest. 

There was no heartbeat. 

His world crumbled around him, the poor prince lost yet another friend who died for him. All he could see was red, his craving for revenge consuming him. Dimitri marched out of the monastery to quench his thirst for blood that was long overdue. Maybe he would join his beloved, see his family and old friends again if he died- 

Dimitri eventually got out of the water as soon as he started to prune and his mind wandering down a dark path. He proceeded to dry himself off with a fluffy towel. He almost felt refreshed, but he mostly felt exhausted. 

As if on cue, a knock sounded from behind the door, along with a voice, "I have your clothing. Can I just hand it to you?" 

At her request, he cracked open the door finding her face hiding behind the folded clothing. She pushed it towards his hands and shut the door quickly. 

He would have chuckled if he weren't so tired. 

The clothing felt comfortable, nice and soft and loose- as if he were bundled in soft clouds. 

When Dimitri sulked out of the bathing room, he was surprised to find a tray sitting for him on the professors tea table, and the women picking at her food as he sat down across from her. Now being closer he noticed that Byleth had a determined look upon her face as she stared down at the dish. Dimitri looked down to see if it was one of Annette's meatloaf surprises, which would explain her expression. He let out a choked sob when he discovered that it was his favorite dish. 

Cheesy Verona Stew. 

The weeping king's head fell into the palms of his hands, his strong shoulders shaking from the intensity of his cries. 

"What's wrong Dimitri?" Byleth yelped, rushing to his side by pulling her chair closer to him. 

"I am unworthy of someone like you!" He sobbed, causing Byleth to flinch. "I've treated you so horribly! All of you! I've told you that I can easily have you replaced, I threatened to harm you, I’ve screamed in your face...yet you still stand by me!" 

Byleth placed her hand on top of his, "Dimitri…" she whispered. "Its okay...you weren't well...I know you didn't-" 

"Please don’t make excuses for me, there are none. I don’t care that I was unwell, I shouldn't have said such hurtful things!" 

She pursed her lips, "Well then I'm sorry too." 

"What could you possibly-"

"I'm sorry for punching you in the nose, and threatening to leave you...pushing you to do things you weren't ready for-" 

"Byleth!" Dimitri cried. "Please don't…" 

"For leaving you five years ago when you needed me. I could have prevented every tragedy that has happened to you...everytime I look at your scarred eye I want to scream at myself for not being there-" 

"Byleth please  _ stop talking _ , I beg of you!"

Byleths mouth snapped shut, her lovely green eyes brimming with tears and worry. 

"Y-you didn't do anything wrong.” Dimitri started, “I deserved all those things done to me. I've hurt you. You were only trying to protect Rhea, you didn't mean to get swallowed up by that cliff. W-when I said...you were easily replaceable...I didn’t mean that. There is no one like you Byleth…" 

"I-I think you need some rest. You've had a long day-"Byleth tried to say, only to be stopped yet again. 

"As exhausted as I am, every word that leaves my mouth is nothing but the  _ truth _ ." Dimitri insisted harshly. "Don’t lie to me and say it doesn't hurt. I know it did. I know I ignited the flame that is your anxiety." 

She fell silent, averting her gaze to look at her food instead.

"Everyday I regret what I have said to you. I-I was trying to push you away from me, and I was angry and took it out on you. That was selfish of me. Byleth I am truly sorry for what I have done. I understand that you will leave with Claude after this war. I don't want you to be around me...I do nothing but cause you harm.” 

Byleth snapped her head back up to him. "Have you forgotten that you have also helped me as well? You took care of me and got me help when I was...vulnerable. I can tell you cared about me even when you said those things. What you've said still hurts me, but I'm not going to leave after the war. I want to stay with you." 

Dimitris jaw dropped, baffled with her decision. "B-but the awful things I've done! How could you stay with me?" 

"Like I said. I believe in you, Dimitri. You just needed a guide in the right direction, and I would do it all again just to see that mesmerizing smile on your face." 

He let out a ugly sob, reaching over to her and hugging her close. Whispering apology after apology into her neck. Byleth held him tightly, tracing fingers through his damp hair and quietly telling him reassurances. Dimitri held onto her tightly, as if she were going to slip through his fingers; as if to prove to himself that she’s still alive, still breathing, smiling, laughing,  _ existing _ . 

After a while, they parted and finished their meals. Dimitri tasted nothing but ash and sadness. Byleth led him towards her bed where she tucked him in and whispered goodnight. She went to leave, but Dimitri stopped her by grabbing her wrist. 

“Please stay.” He whispered. 

Byleth gave him a sad smile, letting herself be pulled into the cozy warmth that is her king. His strong arms were wrapped around her waist, his nose buried into her neck. He felt like a child, but also like a perverted man because of the intimacy of this...situation. Last thing the king wanted was for Byleth to get yet another panic attack because of him. 

“Is this okay?” Dimitri murmured. 

“Yes.” Byleth yawned. 

“Are you sure?” 

She replied with a hum, nuzzling her nose into his hair. He shivered when her fingers traced little hearts into his back. 

“Positive…?” 

“Dimitri, shut up and go the fuck to sleep.” 

He couldn't help but laugh softly as he brought her closer to him and shut his eye. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Ryelle and EldtritchGremlin for helping me!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heavily edited chapter 7 with help from my friends!

Dimitri was up before the sun. 

He knew there was going to be a meeting soon, which was the perfect time to apologize to everyone for his behavior. He quietly gathered his things and dressed for the day, stopping often when Byleth shifted her body or her light snoring stopped. 

Once ready, he marched out of her room and towards the main building of the monastery. Fog was in the air this quiet morning, the color purple swirling around him with the smells of dew and freshly cut grass. The serene environment around him helped ease his nerves. 

All eyes were on him when Dimitri opened the doors to the council room, he was met with a variety of reactions; Mercedes gasped gleefully, Annette smiled wide along with her father, Felix glared with a tightened jaw, Sylvain eyed him carefully, Ingrid waved him over to sit beside her and Ashe- Who was also smiling. Dedue gave him a warm smile, his eyes happy to see his king finally return to them. 

“Your Highness!” Gilbert greeted, “I am so happy for you to have joined us. We were just talking about our next move to take Enbarr-” 

“About that,” Dimitri intervened. "Before I continue. I would like to apologize for my behavior these past three moons. I have no excuse for how I have treated all of you, I'm afraid all I have are words to convey how disgusting I feel. I would understand if you wish to withdraw from the fight and leave this all behind." 

Felix laughed, full of hatred and mockery, "You think petty words are going to just...wash away your sins? Your demons?" 

Dimitri expected the voices to scream at him, torture him for just existing, for living. But instead, Dimitris head was clear, as if a fog had lifted from his mind. 

Instead of breaking down, Dimitri gave Felix a firm look. "Imagine that you wake up everyday of this life with the voices of your loved ones screaming about how worthless you are. Everything else around you is muffled and there is no one else to guide you, you're all alone with only the voices to keep you company for five years. I think anyone would have gone mad." Dimitri said. "I am not trying to justify my actions, and I understand your hatred towards me Felix. Your presence here is more than enough." 

Felix opened his mouth to retort but Rodrigue stopped him with a glare. 

"But I feel that I can...somewhat...atone for my sins by being there for my people. That's why I want to change our course to Fherdiad, and reclaim my capital!" The king declared. 

➹➹➹

Byleth’s stomach woke her up to the new day. She sighed with annoyance when she rolled over onto the cold spot next to her, then groaned. The bed sheets were cold. Her hands searched for the man that was beside her, becoming more frantic when she felt nothing. She threw the covers off of her, hearing a yelp. 

“Dimitri?” Byleth called out. 

“Good morning.” Dimitri said, voice muffled underneath the blankets. 

Byleth sighed with relief, flopping back down onto her mattress with a grunt. The king chuckled and laid the blanket on top of her, tucking her into her sanctuary of fluffiness. "Sorry about leaving. I had to- What's wrong?" Dimitri asked, hurrying over closer to her. 

“I thought you left...and…” She let out a choked sob. 

Dimitri’s face fell. “Never. I have something to believe in now.” 

She cried out and pulled him on top of her for a hug, the man letting out a surprised laugh. His strong arms wrapped around her tightly, whispering reassurances into her hair. "I'm not going anywhere." 

“Promise me you will come to me if you need anything.” She whispered. 

“Same to you. We are both struggling, but we can help each other.” 

Byleth sniffed and nodded, nuzzling his nose further into Dimitris neck. He couldn’t help but shiver at the contact, not being used to such tender touches after so long. 

The two stayed like that for a while, keeping each other warm and cozy in the early mornings. Until Byleth’s stomach growled yet again that day. The professor and king both chuckled, finally getting up for the day. 

➹➹➹

  
“ _Sooooo_ you stayed in Byleths room last night!” Sylvain teased, pointing his fork accusingly at the blushing king. “That must’ve been fun! I wouldn’t be surprised if she fell asleep for another two weeks.” 

“Shut the _fuck_ up Sylvain. I am _trying_ to eat my breakfast.” Felix hissed with a slam of his fist upon the table.

Dimitri hid his crimson face behind his hands, groaning with embarrassment, “It wasn’t like that!” He stammered. “And what’s that supposed to mean?!” 

“Oh nothing.” Sylvain chided with a wink, munching a crepe. “If you need any advice let me know!” 

“As if he should take advice from a good for nothing.” Felix grunted. 

“Well you love this good-for-nothing!” 

“Only because I feel bad.” 

That’s when Byleth plopped down next to Dimitri, making him jump and turn to her direction. The women licked her lips and stared at her food hungrily- she had a pile of eggs, sausage, strawberries, oranges, and various other foods Dimitri couldn’t identify. 

“Holy moly, Byleth!” Sylvain exclaimed. 

She already shoveled two spoonfuls of food when she looked up at the red head, an eyebrow raised. “Whamf?” 

“Careful you might choke.” Dimitri scolded lightly. 

“Bum I’m humgre!” 

“Yeah Dimitri, she’s hungry!” Sylvain defended. “Any women would be after rough se-” 

“I will gut you with,” Felix shoved a fork in front of Sylvain’s face, “This fork if you finish that sentence.” 

“Sounds hot. Is that a promise?” 

“I think this fork will be better suited to shove up your-.” 

Dimitri tuned out their bickering by focusing his attention on Byleth, he couldn’t help but smile when she hummed after every bite of food she shoved into her mouth, she already cleared up half her plate. Her green eyes turned her gaze to Dimitri’s plate, her face falling into a frown. Swallowing she said, "Dimitri you haven’t eaten anything.” 

He turned to his full plate of food. “O-oh, I guess I’m just not hungry.” He muttered. 

“Can I have it then? I am really hungry.” 

“Still?” 

She nodded vigorously, “Yes, you forget I was asleep for two weeks.” 

“Hmmm...I would like to propose a trade,” Dimitri said with a hum, “My food, for your time today.” 

“Deal.” She swiped his plate from him, giggling happily with all the food she gathered. 

  
➹➹➹

  
Byleth had a skip in her step as she waltzed around her room preparing tea. Dimitri offered to help set up but she declined by shoving a cookie in his mouth. Once everything was set up, she beamed at Dimitri as she took her seat in front of him. 

He clenched a fist around his heart and took a sip of tea. "It's been a while." Dimitri said meekly, trying to find something- anything to talk about. 

Byleth nodded, her smile fading slightly. 

"How are you feeling?" She asked him. 

"That's why I've called you here...I wanted to thank you for helping me last night. It means a great deal to me that you helped me even after all you've been through." 

"Of course, Dimitri." 

"But, how are you feeling?" He inquired, slowly starting to munch on another cookie. 

"I'm okay. My stomach hurts from eating so much. I guess that's from not eating a lot this moon." 

He almost choked on a piece of wafer. "You mean when I found you in Jeralts office you-" 

She suddenly found the porcelain tea set mesmerizing. Who ever sculpted these has fantastic taste, a pale pink line wrapped around the mouth of the cup, and little blue flowers popped out with the help of the white background- 

"Did I cause that?" Dimitri whispered, his voice cracking. "Did I make you feel that way? To the point of not eating and cutting your hair?" 

"N-no." Byleth replied. 

"You hesitated." 

"Dimitri don't read into it so much."

He frowned, his lips thinning and eye narrowing. "I'm worried about you Byleth. If it is me that causes you to feel that way then I would rather keep my distance from you." 

"Stop talking and let me explain!" Byleth snapped. 

Dimitri closed his mouth shut after muttering an apology. 

She took a long drink of tea and set down the cup with a sigh. "Imagine that you woke up five years later, and found yourself in the middle of war. You rush to the monastery and find your students all grown up, broken and tired and it settles in that you've abandoned them for five years.”

"You’re short on supplies, soldiers, sleep, morale. Everyone’s moved on from five years ago, but to you it's only been a day. Everyday is a shock, and you have to keep being updated on things that have happened while you were gone, all the while trying to lead an army and gather supplies whilst juggling with the anguish of your star student.” She paused and took a deep breath.

“Seeing you like that, Dimitri. Was the last straw. It wasn't so much as what you've said to me...but how much your behavior has changed. I thought I've lost you, and it is all my fault." 

Byleth started to swim deeper in her sorrow, so deep that she didn't even notice the angry hot tears escape her eyes. "Everyday I saw you suffering and there wasn't a damn thing I could do. I didn't know how to help...I wanted to be there for you but it only seemed to make it worse. When I saw you reach for your lance that night in the cathedral I was so scared. I don't ever want to lose you Dimitri...and seeing you like that hurt me...I would rather get stabbed then feel that way ever again. I've failed as your teacher and as your friend." 

Strong arms wrapped around her frame, pulling her out of the deep waters of sorrow. One large hand held her head tightly yet gently against his strong chest, while the other traced soothing circles down her back. 

"You didn't fail me." Dimitri stated firmly. "I wouldn't be here right now if you had. Byleth, I'm sincerely sorry for all that I've said to you these past few months. I wish I was here mentally to help you with all the burdens placed on you...and I hope it's not too late for that."

He held her close to his heart, his hands tracing lines down her back, then up again. She looked up at him with glimmering green eyes, his heart almost stopped beating at that moment. Her lips never looked so inviting as he leaned down to press a kiss upon her. 

_Disgusting_. He heard a voice rasp. 

He blinked, startled by Glenn's voice in his ear.

 _You're a disgusting monster. Your hands are stained red, you really think you can have her?_ The apparition started to laugh maniacally. _Are you serious?! Look at her, look at her tears, look at the fear in her eyes, look at her tremble before you. You ruined her_.

He gently pushed away from Byleth, whose eyes widened in confusion. Clearing his throat and running a hand through his hair he gave her his best fake smile. "Apologies. Uhm...I must be going. Gilbert is expecting me at the training grounds and it completely slipped my mind." He said meekly. 

Byleth tilted her head, her eyes still full of worry. "Okay…" She said, taking a step back from him. 

He started to leave, but realization dawned on him and he turned around on his heel, "Byleth! I forgot to tell you." 

Byleth turned to him, eyes searching his...almost looking hopeful. 

"We have a change in plans. We are going to march to Fhirdiad and reclaim the capital. I hope that traveling there first will ease your worries." 

She deflated a bit as she still kept her beaming smile. "Thank you." 

He quickly left before he felt any urge to just kiss her senseless without any regard to anything. In his haste he missed Sylvain waiting outside the door, the redhead looking at him quizzically. He looked up at Byleth, "What was that?" He questioned. 

She shrugged, huffing with a pout on her lip. “What is it?” 

“Uhm…” Sylvain stammered, “Claude is here… and I don’t think you will like what he brings.” 

➹➹➹

When Byleth arrived with Sylvain to the tactics room, it was eerily calm, yet the tension so thick in the air Byleth could hardly breathe. Claude sat at the end of the war table, his eyes narrowed at a book he was reading. Alois and another knight stood on each side of Claude, the former looking uncharacteristically angry. Alois was always all smiles, always patient, laid back and full of jokes, for him to have a furrow in his brow and a scowl on his mouth never meant good things. 

"Teach!" Claude exclaimed with a large, fake smile. 

"Why are you here?" Byleth asked him.

Claude flinched, "Harsh! I thought you would be happy to see your favorite student!" 

"Whenever you’re present, trouble ensues." 

"Yeesh, I caught you at a bad time I guess." The lord sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I would like to speak to you. Alone." 

Byleth looked to Sylvain and the two guards and sighed, "Please leave us." 

"But-" Alois protested, earning him a glare that silenced him. 

Once they left, Claude rounded the table to meet her, book in hand. "Is there a reason why you didn't meet up with me at Gronder?" 

Byleth bit her lip. Should she tell him about her divine powers? No, that would be a bad idea, he might exploit them to no end. All she responded with was silence, a cross of her arms, and a furrow in her brow. 

"Okay fine, don't answer." Claude grunted, a flash of hurt in his eyes. "I came here to bring this back." He slid the brown leather book he was reading across the table to her. 

She grasped it and opened it up with a raised eyebrow, only to narrow them as she recognized the writing immediately, she slammed it back onto the table and glared daggers at the schemer. "What the fuck were you doing with my father's journal?!" She yelled. 

Claude put his hands up in defense, eyes wide at her outburst, “Before you get mad at me, please let me explain.” He begged. 

“Explain what?! That you went behind my back and stole the only thing my father left behind?!” Byleth took a deep breath, then breathed out, “Fine, explain. It better be fucking good.” 

The man in yellow sighed with relief, "When Rhea wanted you to do that ceremony thing five years ago, it all felt oddly suspicious- it didn’t sit right with me. So I creeped into Jeralt’s office, and grabbed your father's journal and read it.” Claude explained, grabbing the book and showed her the page where her father described in shaky writing about her unbeating heart. "Rhea did something to you when you were born. Remember Abyss? Remember Alfric screaming, blaming Rhea for your mother's death?" 

She opened her mouth to retort but Claude held up his finger. "Rhea may not be who we think she is. She says that your mother gave you her heart, but why does your heart still not beat? Why does the Sword of The Creator still thrum with energy even without a creststone? I have a theory that Rhea might've been using you, and your mom for some sort of-" 

"Shut up!" Byleth shrieked and ripped the journal from him. "How dare you betray my trust! I trusted you Claude, yet you go out of your way to just take my father's journal and hide it from me all these months-" 

"To be fair, I didn't even know you were alive-"

"You better shut your goddamn mouth before I do!" 

He saw the red in her eyes and clamped his mouth shut. "You stole the only thing left of my dad, not even consulting me if you could read it! If you wanted to figure this out you should have talked to me! Trusted me!” She poked a finger in his chest, “If you should have talked to anyone it should have been me! These are my secrets to figure out, not yours!” 

“I did it all for you, Teach!” Claude exclaimed, grasping her wrist. “Your father just died, would you have really heard me out if I were to bring this up to you?” 

“Claude, even if I had said ‘no’, you should have waited for my answer, not go behind my fucking back just so you can get off on finding the answers to my secrets.” 

“Teach-” 

“I thought you trusted me, I trusted you, but clearly I shouldn’t trust a man with a smile full of lies and someone who manipulates people for his own ambitions.” 

“How do you- Byleth, I trust you, I really do.” 

“Oh? Care to explain why you tried to shoot me down with arrows at Gronder?” 

“Because you betrayed my trust by abandoning our plans to fight with Dimitri!” 

“No I didn’t; my soldiers still didn’t attack yours unless they had to. I made sure of it while I fought.” 

“You still were supposed to meet with me. Gods, I was really hoping for your guidance. I needed you.” 

“You didn’t need me. Dimitri did, he was going to get himself killed!” 

“How would you know? You can’t see the future!” 

“ ** _I watched him die by Edelgard’s axe!_** ” Byleth shrieked. 

Claude’s green eyes opened wide at her words or was it the tears streaming down her cheeks? “Byleth…?” He whispered, his hands reached for her, yet he hesitated. He grunted a curse and embraced her, one hand wrapped around her back and the other in her hair. 

Byleth shoved him away. “Don’t touch me!” 

That’s when the door slammed open. Alois looked at the crying professor and the Leader of The Alliance. The knight’s face promised violence towards the duke, and Alois was not a man of empty promises.- He got in between Byleth and Claude. “I think it’s time you leave.” Alois said calmly, but with a slight edge to it. 

“No way, I am not leaving with an end like this.” Claude protested. 

Alois laughed and clamped a hard hand on the man's shoulder, “Did I stutter?” He fumed with a strained grin, “ _It’s time for you to leave_.” 

Claude opened his mouth in protest, but instead he let out a curse in a different language and stormed out of the room. 

Alois’s whole demeanor changed once The Schemer left, he moved his hand to Byleth’s shoulder. “Are you okay?” He asked her. 

Byleth nodded, knowing what he implied, “Yes, he just hugged me, nothing else.” She explained quietly. 

Alois hummed, “Well I don’t like that grim look on your face! Wanna go fishing? It’s quite a _catch_ with people ya know!” He joked. 

Byleth actually giggled a bit, smiling slightly. “Okay.” 

➹➹➹

  
Byleth skipped another stone across the lake, breathing in the fresh air; the smell of the pond before her, the flowers surrounding it, and the slight hint of fish. The stars reflected beautifully across the water, shimmering against the ripples. 

She couldn't sleep again that night, her encounter with Claude earlier in the day replayed in her mind over and over. Byleth didn't want him to know- anyone to know that she is a freak- just some flesh with an unbeating heart who calls herself human. It wasn't normal, it wasn't fair. The life she was supposed to have was ripped away by that bitch who has built the facade of being divine. Why did this have to happen to her? Why couldn't she just have a normal life, live as a mercenary with her father, maybe come to garreg mach as a student, become friends with the blue lions; she would be young, carefree, her face full of expressions for her family and friends. Maybe her mother would be here too, greeting her with kisses and comforting her when needed. Maybe Byleth would dabble in romance, to be like the girls in the books who would fall in love with their prince charming and have their happily ever after. 

She shook her head. Such...distractions will take her away from the now, she needed to be strong for her friends. They could tell her millions of times that it's alright to take time for yourself or cry or seek for comfort; but she will never listen, there’s too much going on to soak in simple pleasures. No time to panic and sob over trivial things during a damn war, there was only time for work and killing and politics and… 

Byleth really missed her father. 

➹➹➹

"Can you _please_ talk to her?" Claude begged Dimitri, the king looking down at the smaller man with a scowl. "Rhea is corrupting the church, I've been trying to convince her but she refuses to listen to me!" 

"I can understand why." Dimitri growled. "You invaded her privacy-"

"I swear I did it out of worry." Claude grasped Dimitris shoulders into a tight hold and brought him closer to his frantic eyes, "You don’t know what they did, and they will continue to abuse their power for their own selfish reasons. The church is corrupted." 

Dimitri analyzed Claude, very thoroughly. The man's hair was messier than usual, sticking out in different directions and angles, his beard was unkempt- little stubble of hair growing out on his chin, upper lip and neck. His eyes were glazed with anger and a hint of anxiousness. This man was Dimitri’s closest friend back at the academy. He never could trust The Schemer, but his charisma would always reel him back in- His personality and smiles and laughs were nothing but a mask. For Claude to let himself be vulnerable with his emotions...made Dimitri worry. 

"I'll consider it." The king eventually said. Wanting Claude to leave, Dimitri gestured to Hilda pulling Claude’s wyvern towards him from the stables. 

"Thank you. Trust me Dimitri. You wont regret looking into this." 

"Okay _byeeee_!" Hilda sang with an annoying, waving hand with the wyvern’s reins into Claude's face. 

"Bye Goneril." He grunted with a lazy wave. Hopping on his Wyvern, he took off into the sky, free from the burdens that were placed on Dimitri. 

"Can you believe that guy? Honestly Dimitri, I would've punched him in the face." Hilda stated with a huff and hands on her hips. 

"I think I would have killed him if I were to do such a thing." Dimitri replied meekly, squinting his eye as he watched Claude fly further and further away into the dawn.

"Well that could have been an option too." Hilda mused with a sigh, " _Anywayyyyy_ , I'm going to go check on the Professor. " 

"Why? Is she ill? Wounded?" He trembled. 

Hilda grinned, " _Awwww_ you're such a sweet boyfriend, Dimitri! I’m almost jealous." 

He flushed canary red, stammering out protests. "We are not courting!" 

"Yet." She teased. 

"No. She deserves far more than what I can give her." 

"I think you got plenty." She wiggled her eyebrows. 

Dimitri shook his head and marched away. 

_You don't deserve her love._

_You think you get to be happy while my corpse just rots?!_

_You are a pig, an insatiable man whose woes and desires hold everyone back._

Dimitri covered his ears, and thanking the goddess as he ran into the person he needed the most. 

"Byleth!" Dimitri cried. He pulled her off the gravel and onto her feet again. "My apologies, my mind was elsewhere." 

"I can relate." She said. Then she graced him with her smile. Except...this smile was not like the others. The curve of her lips were too forced, her eyes which usually carried fondness were actually filled with nothing at all; and not to mention she was picking at her cuticles with her hands on her sides. Something is bothering her and Dimitri must get to the bottom of it immediately. 

"Oh? What's on your mind, professor?" Dimitri inquired. 

Byleth blinked blankly at him, smile slowly fading away. After a while she simply shrugged, "It's nothing important." She said, her brow narrowing slightly. "What about you? You were covering your ears and mumbling to yourself again." 

"Ah...you saw that huh?" Dimitri flushed. 

“Do you want to go fishing with me?” Byleth asked him suddenly. “It usually helps my mind feel at ease.” 

Before he could think about it, he chirped, “Of course! It would be an honor.” His giddiness was rewarded with a bright smile. 

Dimitri followed her to the pond. He was grateful he was wearing his loose white shirt and riding pants on this abnormally warm day, and it only helped even more when the wind gently caressed him with cool air. 

Once they got set up with fishing supplies Byleth asked him a question that made him realize he had no idea what he was doing, “What kind of bait would you like?” 

What kind of bait? Oh gods, he’s an idiot, he had no idea what bait to use! Does it even matter? 

“Uhm...what kind do you have?” He asked eventually. 

“Let’s see…” Byleth hummed, shifting things around in her tackle box. 

Dimitri sighed, relieved that he wasn’t caught with his cluelessness. 

“I have insect larva, snails, earthworm, blowfly, and herring bait.” 

Oh goddess help him. 

“Uhm...what would you recommend?” 

Byleth giggled, “Do you not know how to fish, Dimitri?” 

He flushed, “Uhm...maybe…?” 

She let out a hearty laugh, her smile pure and much more real than earlier; He couldn’t help but let a smile form as well. Breathing heavily and letting out little giggles in between, she pulled out a worm, hooked it through, and passed the pole to Dimitri- her hand on top of his. 

His breath left his lungs, her...her hand...her soft delicate small hand is on top of his- 

“Ready?” Byleth asked, pressing her other hand on the small of his back. 

Filled with determination by her touches, he gave her a nod. 

“Good, so what you want to do is bring the pole back.” 

He did so. 

“While holding onto the pole, arch it forward as far as you can into the water.” 

He breathed in- guiding the pole over his head in an arch, then let the line glide through the air and landing gracefully into the pond with a little splash. 

“Very good Dimitri!” Byleth praised, removing her hands. 

His ears turned pink in response, “Thanks...I’m a little embarrassed.” He meekly replied. 

Frowning, she looked out into the water at the bobber with a mutter, “Sorry. Sometimes I still think...that I am everyone's professor…” 

_Oh no no, fix it- fix it now!_ “That is not to say I don’t like your praise! I welcome it very much to be honest. I suppose...I am not used to compliments.” He quickly explained. 

She continued to stare into the water. “Well I guess I will have to compliment you until you're used to it.” 

Oh goddess she was going to be the death of him- he didn't know what to say to that! His poor weak heart couldn't take her sweet bluntness, yet he wanted to hear more. 

"Pull." Byleth ordered suddenly. 

"Pardon?" 

" _Pull_!" 

Dimitri yelped and hurriedly started to pull up on the fishing rod, the force of the pull so strong the large glimmering fish arched over him and onto the dock behind them with a plop. 

" _Oooooh_!" Byleth gasped as she raced to the flopping fish. 

The fish being faster however, whacked her in the face with its large tail and danced it's way over into the water. 

"You motherfucker." Byleth growled under her breath.

An undignified snort came from Dimitris mouth, then a booming laugh. " _Hahahaha_! Oh professor! _Hahahaha_!" He held his stomach to steady himself from rolling around in hesteria, tears formed in his eyes and his cheeks started to hurt. "So- _ahahahaha_ -sorry! It's just-" He let out a yelp when her hands pushed on his back and he fell into the pond. 

Dimitri only had to stand at his full height to emerge from the water, the surface only meeting his waist. He gave a playful glare to the cackling woman who was reaching a helping hand to him. 

Boundaries be damned, he grasped her hand, gave her an innocent smile and pulled her into the water. The shock on her face made the king panic, oh gods why did he do such a thing? She was trying to help him get his mind off the voices and he just gets her wet! 

_You cannot bury your destructive behavior, even from her._

He was about to flee, until Byleth popped out of the water, breathing heavily in between laughs. Dimitri has never seen her smile so wide, it silenced the voices in his head with its radiance. She is lovely- 

"What are you two doing?!" 

Dimitri and Byleth froze (not Byleth, she was still shaking from her giggles) to look at the angry Seteth with his hands on his hips. 

"You both are going to catch colds! Not to mention _contaminate_ the water!" Seteth scolded, shaking his finger at them. "Out of everyone, _you_ two should know better!" 

After apologizing profusely to an furious Seteth, Dimitri helped Byleth out of the water and guided her back to her room. 

"Thank you for that." Dimitri said sheepishly. "I really needed it. Your presence always brings me joy." 

"I think you're catching a cold." Byleth teased...although her tone didn't sound like it. "You better go to the sauna." She was avoiding his praise.

"Ah that sounds nice. Care to join me?" 

Byleth looked at her feet, not before shocking Dimitri with a slight pink hue to her cheeks. "S-sure." 

➹➹➹

At the bathhouse, Dimitri thought he was going to die. 

Growing up in such a cold climate made him so vulnerable to warm temperatures, the amount of steam in here wasn't much- but it was _too_ much to Dimitri. 

He tried to close his eyes and relax, but his eye kept drifting to Byleth. Yes she had wonderful, long, creamy, silk legs and soft arms- he supposed this is what Sylvain would call 'sexy'- but he was mostly paying more attention to her face. 

Her eyes were void of emotion, the usual small upward curl of her lips are now just a flat line. Should he ask her how she's feeling? Would that make things worse? 

_Like you are going to solve all her problems you fool._

_You will taint her!_

_Why would you dig a deeper hole for her? You have damaged her enough!_

Shaking his head, he took a deep breath as if to fuel himself full of courage, "Professor...are you alright?" He asked. 

Byleth blinked out of her daze, focusing more on her blushing knees. "Yes?...Why wouldn't I be?" 

"Well, you look…" Void, emotionless, empty, "Upset." 

Her eyes narrowed, "Sorry. My mind is elsewhere." 

"I know. Tell me what is burdening you, we will take it on together." He took her hand into his, trying to mirror what she had done to him on that rainy night. 

She gazed at their entanglement of fingers. With a mumble she gently squeezed his hand, and that's when he noticed the slight tremor and small cuts on her fingers. "It's nothing really important…" She said eventually. 

Dimitri gave her a doubted look, holding her hand up high enough for her to see the marks she gave herself. "Does this look like ' _nothing_ ' to you?" He inquired "Byleth your hands are shaking, and are full of awful looking cuts. What is causing you to feel this way?" 

"I can't talk about it...not right now." And with that she ripped her hand away from his grasp, hiding them underneath her thighs. 

Dimitri frowned, his hand retreating to his side, "Well, I am here for you for when you are ready. I am a broken man...but I will do what I can to see that wonderful smile on your face." He promised with a hand on his heart. 

➹➹➹

Byleth stared at Hilda and Marrianne, the two lovebirds skipping towards the cathedral with goofy grins and laughter. 

It made Byleth sick. 

Yes she was happy for them, ecstatic- in fact she was already planning their wedding. Their love to each other wasnt the thing that made Byleth upset. It only made Byleth wonder if someone like her could be happy like them. They both had beating hearts, Byleth had nothing. 

It was no secret to her that she had fallen head over heels for Dimitri; when he kissed her suddenly that night in the choir hall, sparks shot through her body, warming it up so hot she though she might explode- the flashes of memories raced through her mind; his goofy smiles and laughs when he was just a student, how his eyes shined when she praised him, or when he was learning something new. She loved how kind and welcoming he was when she first arrived, treating her like she was human. 

But he couldn't love her. 

Byleth knew that Dimitri would push her away as soon as he feels nothing from her dead heart, he would be disgusted, revolted. She was among the dead, just a walking corpse for a goddess. He only kissed her that night because his mind needed an escape, and she was the closest exit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Ryelle, Lady Vanitas, Meem Queen and Rae for beta reading this chapter!!
> 
> Also the fishing scene was based off a commission I asked for! It was made by this lovely artist michelle @ tired... (@waveoftheocean): https://twitter.com/waveoftheocean?s=09  
> Her work is super cute and you should really check it out!!

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write what I think Byleth would experience in something like this. I know this has probably been done before, but I really wanted to write something that focused on dealing with mental illness.  
> If any of you have any tips for me regarding Survivors guilt that would be awesome.  
> Shoutout to Ryelleimagines for helping me out and supporting me, please check out her stuff!!


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